Jeremy's year in review

All right so 2010 is coming to a close, if I could sum up this year it was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from just being a dick to the other ducks or something. Possibly from fucking up the flying V they were attempting. There is no way I can talk about everything that went horrible and even the somewhat good stuff that happened. My only hope to portray this to you all is via my incredible Microsoft paint skills in which I will graph this bitch out (in paint). All I know is that 2011 should be my best year of my life....hopefully *Cue music*

Christmas Memories.

Ok, so it's the Holidays again. That means two things to me at this point in my life. Well, maybe three. One, people become the biggest dicks in the world. Two, the gyms become packed because everyone with their resolutions. Finally, I remember what I thought of Santa when I was little. Now don't take this post as me hating the Holidays because I really do enjoy them. The people I am around are cheerful and I get to see my entire family. That only happens this time of year. I think the only real thing that is different for me than most is my thoughts about this Santa character when I was a kid. I don't know if my Dad made me think this way because of his sense of humor when he described Santa, but here is what I know. The fucker broke into our house, came down the same chimney we had a raccoon stuck in once, ate the delicious looking cookies my mom made that I could not touch. Drank half of the milk and just leaves the rest out. Doesn't even have the decency to put the glass in the fucking kitchen sink. So I would have to do it. I think I also had a dream about him once where he had claws and sharp teeth and whatnot. Therefore, when Christmas morning came around and my younger brother got up at 4 am. I slept in because there was no way I was going to run into that fucking Santa and have him steal my soul to power Rudolph's nose. Other than that MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE and watch out for fucking Santa. The dude is bad news.

Merry Christmas

Merry More Christ from Jeremy and Friends! I need to blog more.

You're from Cleveland ass!

Since Joe can't comment on my blog. I will just write about the stories I remember. There are many and let's just say I had a crazy good time in college and maintained a 3.8 GPA in Business Law. Yeah, that's right bitches I studied and had a good time. It is possible with the right attitude and some adderall. So it was my junior year and we moved into an apartment complex that was close to the Villas and tailgating so it was prime for good block parties. Our first week there we met our neighbors and Joe came down from Chicago to visit because the first two weeks of college are insanely fun. The girls that moved in next door we a little weird. But there was one in particular that cracked my shit up. She was around 6'2" and played some sport that i don't remember. Maybe field hockey or some shit. What I do remember about her though is she sported more Jamaican articles than the whole movie of Cool Runnings. There was a head band, shirt, and arm bands. That is no fucking joke. Arm bands! Mind you I have not heard a word come out of this girls mouth yet. She was darker complected so I naturally assumed she was from Jamaica. Then while me and Joe were out on the deck of my apartment (most likely shooting the water balloon launcher at the sorority girls at the pool) she came out and said hello. In a completely Midwestern accent. I was so disappointed. I think they saw it in my eyes. Because her friend immediately said we are from Cleveland, OH. I had no choice but to laugh at that point. I was an asshole in college trust me. I might still be a little now, but not to people I like. So to display my assholishness I kept asking her about Jamaica this time a year, and if she had any ganja we could smoke. Oddly enough and at this point making me go into a hysterical fit, she did! This is already around 11pm so we were about to go out and have been pre-gaming so Joe and I were already drunk and about to walk down the road to my friend Mikos' house for a party. However, Joe and I thought it would be smart to smoke with them and then head over. Not the best idea. Due to us being incredibly drunk and smoking this shit, I was black out Charlie. Next thing I know I am at Mikos' and he is asking me where Joe is. I literally had no clue. So I walked back to my apartment and asked my roommate where the fuck Joe was. Nobody knew. Mikos' was packed so he might of been there but we usually played DJ or beer money collectors. Then I heard the faint sound of water splashing upstairs in the bathroom. I was like Frey is Josh here. He said no Josh went with you to the party. Fuck, I am so drunk I don't even know who walked with me to Mikos'. So I ran upstairs and knocked on the door, hoping to the lord Josh didn't kill a hooker in the bathroom. When knocked i heard a mumble. Then I opened the door and there he was! Joe was so drunk and apparently on the ganja hard that he stumbled up to the bathroom with his jeans on, laid down in the tub and turned on the water. So i did what any friend would do. I turned off the shower and got one of Frey's blankets and covered him in the tub. Then I ordered some Pizza Express. What? I was fucking drunk.

THE END :)

Stories of insanity

I feel that because Joe is now following my blog I should post a couple stories of our craziest nights. Of course with paint illustrations. Joe any one suggestion you would like for me to bring to life via paint?

Houston we have flakage

Oh yeah it happened. I will not be going to festival of lights tonight. I however, can not blame anyone but myself. This should be the straw that broke the camel's back. When I said should, I mean needs to be for sure. Now deciding what I want to do with my night. Have a drink, go to the grocery store, or be mad? Life is too short to be pissed at stupid little things like going to the zoo. So I will go have a drink :)

Commence Countdown - 2nd go around

Alright, so our plans got changed to today. It was a mutual agreement to better enjoy ourselves tonight. Let's see if there is a flake. My balls are completely prepared to take a swift kick. However, it would be my own damn fault because i don't learn from the past.

PS - I feel bad writing a blog about her and calling her a flake, she is actually really nice. Thankfully, I don't think she reads this. If she does, please ignore everything in this blog besides the line that is in green font.

Thanks and regards,

Jeremy B.

Commence Countdown

So first let me start this blog post by apologizing for not posting in a while. I was busy, Thanksgiving, and everything else that happens in my insane life. I am not going to lie though, any apology that is in a blog is not sincere. Thus, I am not sorry I was just fucking busy. But I love you all.

Ok,

So I have had a little thing for this girl that I have known since I have moved to Cincinnati, we go out every once and a while and we see each other all the time because we play co-ed rec sports together. If someone said to me describe this girl. I would say nice, a little strange (but I like it), and a flake. Yeah i know what you are thinking a flake. You are god damn right she is a flake but somehow I keep making plans with her or she makes plans with me and then they disappear quicker than a priest at a Justin Biebler concert. So tonight's plans were to go to the Festival of Lights. This was completely her plan and she knows I fucking love the zoo. So obviously good company good zoo I was pretty pumped. However, I have to keep in mine she is a flake so I am counting down the hours until 5 pm to see if she does. She talked to me last night before I went out and said did you hear it is suppose to snow tomorrow. So there is hint one that she is going to flake. We will see, because the rule should be you flake once... damn. You flake twice... you are a horrible person. You flake 3 times, go fuck yourself and next time just kick me in the nuts while holding an animal from the zoo. So time will tell whether I just end up going to see a movie and go out drinking tonight or I am at the zoo happy as can be whether it's with a flake or not. :)

Incoming Message

Everyone is familiar with the site texts from last night. Just random people sending funny texts, some of which are so insanely ridiculous you have to laugh. There is only one time where my texts that I send make absolutely no sense to anyone other than myself. That is when I have been drinking way too much. This just happened to be the case this Friday. A co-worker was having a house warming party and we only invited a certain group of people who we knew would be ok with a little drinking. I still don't think most of them were ready for myself. I hardly have a filter now, get beer and liquor in me and I turn into Mr. Did he just fucking say that. I wanted the host to have a good time, he is pretty reserved. So i showed up with some Maker's Mark Whiskey. We took 3 shots within 5 minutes right off the bat. Then shit really went down when my friend tiffany brought a dual beer bong. Mind you I am 27 and not in college anymore. However, I was completely ready to race some bitches. First up ... Josh. Beat him got to keep going, I kept winning until the 8th bong in which Tiffany destroyed me because she is a freak of nature and I was more full than Lindsay Lohan after a bottle of water and some purging. Then the drunk texting commenced. Not only did I send texts I got some back that night and the next day. Here is just a sample of things that went out and came in with the exact grammar i used.

• No idea how i am fgetting home!
• Iqm so stupid
• U are whiskers
• Good dont be afraid then i ma jeremy not whiskers
• Snarl
• Mean.. you two are mean i am so norht
• Text from girl: How much have you drank? Response: U want that in cubic liters mom?
• Text from girl: You still want to go out Tuesday? Response: Not srue, busy weeknd with socccer and dollar beer but yeah sure
• Text from girl on the next day: Do you remember when I told you that I didn't like Jock Jams or G6? You asked me to stick out my hand, slapped it and said "No"

Moral of the story, I love sending drunk texts. If you don't get one odds are you will sooner or later. I have to have your number and think you're awesome though.

Helping Friends one straw at a time

I don't like to brag, it's just not my nature. On that note, I could be the best friend in the world. I think if you took Gandhi and Mandela and combined their friendship abilities they would equal mine. Obviously I might of took that too far. But i bet neither of them hydrated a drunk friend via a straw dropper of water like a bird. I even made the noises of a choo-choo train and airplane. I mean that is very caring and sensitive right? Man, that is totally going on to my online dating profile today. It will read the following: "Hello, my name is Jeremy. I like the zoo, hanging out with friends and warm destinations. I think I am funny, nice, and uber sensitive. This would all be demonstrated by my gently giving you water (the essence of life) through a straw dropper. Also, I like to party." I literally have no idea how i am still single, it baffles my mind. This blog might have something to do with that :) Whatever, craziness is the name of my game!

I'm old and you're naked

So when I visit my friends in Chicago we always have a good time. Especially when you can get all 4 of us together. We are all a little different but mesh together nicely. Crazy stuff usually ensues when we go out. For example: In college we were all arrested at least twice. Some incidents were more idiotic than others. I won't say which one of us broke a second story window and jumped out to avoid the cops breaking up a house party. Let's just say he was 21 and the cops just told us to turn the music down. Another one of us kicked over a stop sign and some how got it out of the ground and marched around with it in front of a police station. Then there is the water balloon launcher towards the apartment pool filled with sorority girls. Needless to say we had fun, but with that said none of us ended up naked at the end of the night, well at least not without a girl. BOOM. I just said that so it didn't make me sound like a loser. But that is what it looks like I missed this weekend. There was drinking of champagne (only the finest), pulling muscles doing Captain Morgan stances. Slapping people in the face... hard, and apparently getting puked on then decided to get naked and go to Meijer. I mean if you think about it, it really does make sense. If someone pukes on you but you have some shopping to do... shit... take it off and get the Gatorade and Pineapple you need. More power to you. All I know is that no matter what group of people I decide to hang out with on a weekend, I know it's going to be crazy, fun, and involve laughing. That is because those are the only fucking people I want to be around.

Bengals - Steelers MNF

So today at lunch we were talking about the upcoming Monday Night football game. If you don't know it is the Steelers vs. Bengals at Paul Brown. We of course got on the subject of Ben Roethlisberger. Lets just say most of the jokes were geared towards him trying to sleep with women and all that good stuff. Then it got to the point of him putting roofies in drinks and what not. It got out of control in a hurry between myself, John, and Alex like it always does and I love it. We figured out the game plan though. Everyone that is going to the Monday Night game must bring one cardboard cutout of an attractive woman. This will distract him immensely and he will just pitch the ball backwards and sprint into the stands and try to hump the cutout. It is a genius plan. Fool proof if you ask me. We just can't have him getting a hold of an actual woman. She would be tainted for life. Chad can tweet about it during the game so the world knows quickly. I really think this is my best idea since the time I decided to try to do a triple back flip off a bridge when I was a junior in high school. My spine still hurts. Bridge was not that high, so no worries :)

Time to spoon your ass

Most people get guns for protection from intruders in their house. Some, just have knives in the kitchen. But, if you really want to be a badass and let robbers know not to fuck with you, you fashion your own weapons. One weapon of choice is obviously the sharpened wooden spoon. Nothing says get the hell out of my house like this weapon. Not only does he have to worry about that stabbing him, but also splinters and whatever you stirred with it the day before. Can you imagine getting stabbed with splinters and then having last night's chili going into the wound. Yeah, it is the ultimate demise. Obviously to make this weapon takes determination, time, and a sick sense of old fashion weaponry.

Halloween Costume

Short post today:

But go ahead and take a guess in the comments who I am for Halloween and what movie it is from. It was put together in 5 minutes and cost me less that $20. FYI the wiffle ball bat i will be carrying around will be used to drink beer out of.

T-days

So in order to make this blog more consitant in nature, I have decided to post every Tuesday and Thursday. Some posts might contain little content and some posts might contain a lot of content. Just depends on what crazy shit is going on that week. If I disappoint you... tough shit, the blog is about my life in paint not yours jackass.

The Outcomes

Scenario 1: You meet this hot person while you are out with friends, but you just got there and are completely sober and more shy than an albino. (I see albinos as very shy people). Therefore, you decide the only way to ask this girl out is to get completely hammered. That way, even if she says no, you are going to not even remember and still sing Piano Man like it is your god damn job! So good luck, down your Goldschlager and chase it with that Octoberfest because this person is not going anywhere without you at least asking her out.

OUTCOME: So you make good on your getting hammered promise. You constantly slam Goldschlager and Octoberfest the majority of the night whilst keeping him or her within eye fucking distance at all times. You become crazy social, you actually request J-Kwon "Tipsy" and sing all the words while dancing up on people you don't know. Girl or Guy you want to get with sees this, if it is a girl she gets kind of grossed out with your gyrating and rubbing your denim on anything that has boobs. If it is a guy who sees this he is instantly attracted to you because you look like "fun." What you don't know is that Goldschlager and Octoberfest mixed with dancing like an idiot will cause you to black out faster than a bulimic girl who is pounding 151. You wake up 6 hours later. Your pants are gone and there is not a single person around you as you are sleeping on the dryer. You later find out that you made out with a 15 year old and then pissed yourself. But don't worry you decided to do your laundry there and threw your jeans in the dryer. Then proceeded to go night night right on top of it, alone.

Scenario 2: You get to know this person, you figure out what they like to do and where they like to hang out. Then you make your self noticeable. You go buy new clothes, you get a haircut, you borrow a friend's puppy, and you actually workout a week before you know you are going to "run into" them. Then after you have their whole schedule you start going to these places too, and you pretend you like the things they like. Then the day she says something to you, you spark a wonderful conversation and at the end cap it off with the whole "would you like to get some coffee?"

OUTCOME: You have done your research good job. The puppy idea, fucking genius. If this girl doesn't like puppies, she is a no go anyways. So because of all the "coincidences" or as I like to refer to it as "smalking" or smart stalking you get her to go get some coffee. So you go to some low key coffee shop or maybe even a starbucks and get yourself a white chocolate mocha. Then after you have to go to the bathroom 3 times you get back to your date. You guys hit it off and strike a wonderful conversation and set up future dates. You then move in together. You accidentally get her pregnant even though that bitch said she was on the pill. So you get engaged and then married when she is like 6 months pregnant. You live your life and have 2 kids. Did you just catch that last part? You have 2 kids. Worst. Outcome. Ever. You lose in all aspects of life.

Scenario 3: You go out with someone that you like, you both drink to much however you don't know whether they are into you. So you play it smooth the whole night, then the night ends before you know it because you are fucking whiskey drunk and leave your separate ways. You are instantly like what the hell, get pissed at yourself for not asking, therefore you text her out at 2:30 in the morning as you are peeing in an alley.

OUTCOME: You wake up in the same alley you just pissed in. Wait, let me rephrase that. You wake up in the same alley you just pissed in covered in your own piss. There we go. You, then realize that you may or may not of texted the girl you wanted to ask out. So you check your phone. Nothing in the Inbox. You then wonder if you even sent anything. You check your sent messages and that is when you see it. The text that pretty much ended anything before it started. "Hey its jEreemy from tongith remember we danced together and you told me I was funny.. Jsut wanted to see whtat you are doign tonight and if you wanted to ceom over and watch the Notebook tobether. IF nto it is cool, you smelled amazign tognith call me." Nicely played. Game over.

The art of the "ask out"

We have all been there. You like somebody but have no idea how they perceive your ass. It probably doesn't help that you are wearing more Ed Hardy shit than a Jersey Shore convention held at Brett Michaels' house. However, if you are wearing normal clothing that cost under $350, it is one of the hardest flip floppest (yes floppest) things you will have to do. Here is what happens, in my case, you see a girl you want to ask out or for a girl a guy to ask out, or in my head a girl for a girl to ask out, whatever you know. This seems to be the craziest hardest part of the whole ordeal. I mean honestly nobody wants to be rejected like Glen Beck at a "I'm not a whiny pussy who thinks people actually like him" convention. It sucks and it has probably happened to most of us, especially this guy. That is why I am going to help you find the path to asking someone out with..... wait for it...... Jeremy's choose your own adventure, ask somebody out amazingness. So I am going to give you three scenarios of asking someone out, you all pick one and vote (voting is in the upper right corner of the page) then I will post what happens with each selection. Why do I get to decide what happens? Well first it's my fucking blog you jerk! Why would you even ask that? The second reason is because I may or may not have already done all of these. I will let you decide :) Also, keep in mind that this is based of the fact that this person already has some clue who you are to an extent. I say this to try to tone down the creepiness in the scenarios, pretty sure you are not falling for that though. You are bright. I mean come on you are reading my blog, you have to be.

Scenario 1: You meet this hot person while you are out with friends, but you just got there and are completely sober and more shy than an albino. (I see albinos as very shy people). Therefore, you decide the only way to ask this girl out is to get completely hammered. That way, even if she says no, you are going to not even remember and still sing Piano Man like it is your god damn job! So good luck, down your Goldschlager and chase it with that Octoberfest because this person is not going anywhere without you at least asking her out.

Scenario 2: You get to know this person, you figure out what they like to do and where they like to hang out. Then you make your self noticeable. You go buy new clothes, you get a haircut, you borrow a friend's puppy, and you actually workout a week before you know you are going to "run into" them. Then after you have their whole schedule you start going to these places too, and you pretend you like the things they like. Then the day she says something to you, you spark a wonderful conversation and at the end cap it off with the whole "would you like to get some coffee?"

Scenario 3: You go out with someone that you like, you both drink to much however you don't know whether they are into you. So you play it smooth the whole night, then the night ends before you know it because you are fucking whiskey drunk and leave your separate ways. You are instantly like what the hell, get pissed at yourself for not asking, therefore you text her out at 2:30 in the morning as you are peeing in an alley.

Liar

I lied about having it up today. My bad. Much love.

~Jeremy D.

Procrastination is the name of my game

I am seriously shooting for tomorrow to get part 1 up. I have been busy with the baseball and whatnot. If it is not up tomorrow feel free to send me an e-mail and complain at Idontgive2shits@gmail.com or write a strongly worded letter and place it somewhere on the fountain at fountain square and I will have my associate pick it up.

How to ask somebody out, from a guy who never does it.

Since I like to do things completely backwards I have decided to stay on the whole dating and relationship topic (because I am now an expert) and talk about asking somebody out on a date. This might sound sort of boring and similar to previous posts, but there is going to be a little twist. It's going to be a choose your own adventure post. You fucking remember those books? They were awesome. They were like, "If you choose to go down the hallway where the ghosts live turn to page 86, however if you wish to go to the master bedroom and attempt relations with the princess turn to page 101." Mine is going to be similar except I will give you three options, which will be explained in detail and hopefully funny, on your strategy to ask somebody out. Then the next blog with be explaining what will happen with each scenario based on my expertise on the subject matter. In other words, do not take this seriously. Hopefully you will select the correct way to ask, but I pretty sure each scenario will have something wrong with it so good luck.

Company Picnic

So my companies picnic was this past weekend at Kings Island. It is usually nice because there is free food and beer. Thus, I was there. I mean fried chicken, pulled pork, Budweiser, and roller coasters go together. That is just a fact. There is no way you would ever feel sick combining all those things. Thankfully, I am a badass so I could combine those things and be fine. There was just one element that was added that really jacked up my world. The weather. When we first got there, the weather was not that bad. I mean it was chilly and there was overcast but that was it, there was no rain. I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt which I thought was plenty. But this is Jeremy we are talking about here. I have the same luck as that chick in the amazing race that took a miniature watermelon to the face. While there I only went on 2 roller coasters because the lines were long we were passing time at other places waiting for the rain to start. If you have ever been to Kings Island you will probably be able to recognize the two rides I went on. The beast and the diamondback. Each ride took about an hour to get on, which is not to bad with all the fucking people that were everywhere. But each god damn time I finally go on the ride it would start to pour when we were going up the first hill. FML. It was so cold, I mean it really helped that The Beast is the longest fucking wooden roller coaster in the world and I only got soaked for like 5 minutes or the duration of that fucker. Then the Diamondback did the same fucking thing except it goes 80 miles per hour so the rain felt like BB's hitting me in the god damn face. Needless to say, I can now say I have officially been on a roller coaster while maintaining the fetal position. I mostly used my hands to cover my eyes. People saw the pictures after the ride and laughed. Therefore, I am happy.

Damn you for being delicious

You have ruined my relationship with my co-workers because I won't share you. Now they all think I am a dick. Not cool. I am only a dick like 75% of the time. Not 100% of the time like you make me out to be!

"Jeremy's Chivalry - Part Trois" Second Date Sexiness

Well, I figured I should probably finally write the 3rd and final part to Jeremy's Chivalry. I know all 3 maybe 4 people who look at this blog will be sad to see this subject come to an end. However, I am sure the topic will come up numerous times in the future. Dating is too funny to me not to randomly post about it. I am absolutely horrible at it and it cracks me up. I have to laugh at myself and my dating because if i didn't I would be a hermit and one hell of a World of Warcraft player. This edition is called Part Trios "Second date sexiness" but I think it applies to any date or social situation. I mean come on if you are going to pull one of these do not's it is not going to matter whether it is date 1 or you are fucking engaged. He or she will judge your ass. Also, I am not going to post what to do on dates. If you haven't figured out that all you have to do is stay away from the do not's then give up your damn man card and become a priest because you shouldn't be dating. However, if you do become a priest I guess I should list little boys as one of the do not's. Hey, I am not the one suing the Pope. Ok now the latest and greatest list of things not to do on a date. If you have done one of these things good luck with your 4 Gigs of porn on your PC because you are going to be alone for quite some time.

1. Don't throw firecrackers under the seat of your date's canoe. - I know what you are thinking, what the hell. I thought this one deserved to be the first on the list. There is plenty wrong with this on a date, but what gets me the most is the fact the dude had to plan this shit out. He had to be like "hmmm maybe I should bring this firecracker and lighter on our canoe trip," because nothing says lets go back to my place like 2nd degree burns on her legs and a semi heart attack on a fucking canoe.

2. Packing a 40 for the movies and not sharing. - Listen, nicely played with the 40 idea to the movies. If the girl you are dating is insulted or is not impressed with you bringing 40 ounces of beer to a theatrical showing. Get out immediately. That is my opinion at least. However, if you are going to bring Colt 45 and not share with the lady you are a selfish prick. Odds are you are going to end up puking in the popcorn bucket alone.

3. If you have to cancel the date make up a decent excuse. - Women can smell bullshit when they see it and they can also smell fear. So if you have to miss a date for some reason think of something she might not question. For example you have the flu. She is not going to be like do you really and still want to see you. She is going to be like stay the fuck away from me for at least a week. Do not use some fucking excuse like the following (based on a true story) I am restringing my stick. What?! What does that even mean, what kind of stick needs restringing? Are you a fucking avid tennis player, because if you are not fucking facing Federer that night then don't use that fucking excuse you dipshit.

4. Don't ask a girl what she thinks of you 10 seconds after the date - Date goes great and you both are going your separate ways after a wonderful night. Then here comes a random text to her. "Hey so what did you think of me between 1 - 10, you were totally a 10." Right there you made yourself start at a 5 because you are a douchbag and not a man to start off with. Then she will think about the question and be like I can still see the back of your fucking head because we have only be walking away from each other for a couple seconds. Then you will probably give a creepy glance over your left shoulder. That is when she will realize you are now a 3 and you will never hear from her again. Nice job stud.

5. Say you are a gentleman then instantly contradict it with your actions - If the date goes great and you feel it's right go for the kiss at the end of the night, worst case scenario she denies and you know where you stand. Don't tell her that you don't kiss or something on the first date because you are a gentleman and then go off and do something that will make her question men in general. For example saying you are a gentlemen then going home and making a "home movie" for her via your iPhone or some shit. I don't care how many scarves you are using, you are not a man. You are now Buffalo Bill status from Silence of the Lambs. You might as well tuck your sack back and dress up like a pretty pretty woman.

As always thanks for reading and hopefully if you are like me you have only done like 3 of the 5 things. I mean that is only 60%, that is not bad. She should forgive you.... right?

Best time for Turkey

You know what is the best time for Turkey... god damn 9:30 pm bitches.

This can't stop

Prepare for "Jeremy's Chivalry - Part Trois" Second Date Sexiness

*The opinions of this blog do not represent the opinions of all men, especially Ben Roethlisberger. If it did the blog would be called Jeremy's guide to harassment.

COMING SOON

Jeremy's Chivalry - Part Deux (Jeremy's Guide to Dinner Dates)

Ah, welcome back to this two part informational series on my take of chivalry. The first part was just my rambling on the whole wooing of the women. Now the second part is my fool proof guide to the 1st Dinner date. I will discuss things you should do and things you should never do. Also thanks to some for giving me don'ts whether you meant to or not :)

DO's :

Let her order first - In all circumstances, doesn't matter if you've been in the Sahara desert for 50 years and haven't had a meal in that long - let her order first in a restaurant. Let's face it, all girls are rabid wolverines when it comes to food. I've seen the smallest girls eat the same amount a village in Papua, New Guinea eats. So let her order first so you know exactly how much all of it will end up - that way you can gauge if you should hold back on your order, or order to your hearts content as well.

Time Your eating - Try not to finish before her, cause then it leaves that weird awkward moment where you end up staring at her like George McFly in a tree. Remember the first one. Girls are wolverines. You got that? Girls = wolverines. So once they're done eating, many will still be hungry. And have you ever hung out with a hungry wolverine? It's not fun. They get all snappy and start mini-riots. They start scratching and biting body parts. It just ain't pretty. Better to have some extra food on your plate

Pay for the meal - Don't sit there and fight about it, take charge like a man and don't try to hide it either when it comes, as if you're smuggling drugs. Don't stare at the bill either, that way she won't see the blood leaving your face as you turn white and contemplate whether or not you should steal some silverware and sell it on eBay to pay for the $200 bill.

Standing - Anytime she excuses herself to the restroom, or where ever, stand up too. Just half stand up. I noticed that this one is a bit hard to pull off as a natural move, so to help this, you can just ask a simple question while doing it, to diffuse the attention. Ask if they want more wine or something, that way they'll concentrate on the question more than the fact that you're half-standing up like a constipated monkey. This also gives you chance to adjust the tight dress pants you bought from Banana Republic for this date.

DO NOTS :

Too much drinking - Wine, champagne, beer never chug as it comes, and definitely do not drink out of the bottle. No matter what. Even if your pinky is out. Of course there is nothing wrong with having a couple of drinks at dinner. That is absolutely normal. Also, when you do raise your glass, say a little something before you take your first sip. Can't think of anything? No problem. Just say "World peace." Otherwise, toast to a nice part of your date so far. Also, never tell the girl you think she might be drinking too much or have a "problem" this is highly frowned upon.

Bring up previous dates - Why, why would you do this. People do this I guess to break the silence or have a subject to talk about but really? If anyone is remotely interested in you, the last thing they want to hear about is you on other dates. Even if the stories are all about bad dates, don't do it. If you start a story by saying "Man, this last date I was on was horrible, he started to smoke after we had sex, and I am allergic to smoke" I am getting out of there faster than George Bush at a respected library.

Go to the bathroom for too long - What the hell are you doing in the bathroom for 15 minutes? Have you called your friends to tell them what a horrible date this has become. Did you fucking go out the bathroom window? Did you just throw up your dinner so you don't have to go to the gym. My mind is going to race and think about what the hell you are doing in there. Then we all know what the last thought is... poopin, and that just ruins the magic of the evening.

Eating like a primate - If you can't eat like a normal damn person, then don't take her out to eat you jackass. Chew with your mouth closed, use the fucking napkin, and for god sakes man use your fucking utensils. I have heard a story of someone using their thumb to scope food onto a fork to eat. Nice move, because now she would love to have some of your scallop thumb running through her hair. Ass.

Texting - What the fuck are you doing.... seriously. That is all.

Not dressing the part - I don't give a fuck if they are Sean Jean sweatpants. They are sweatpants. Also, are you wearing fucking Reeboks?

Going dutch - Listen some might think this is perfectly fine, and it could be, but if you are going to have the balls to actually ask her out to dinner pay for it. Never discuss going dutch even before this 1st date is planned.

Random creepy questions - Seriously, think of things to talk about before the actually date. I mean you can wing it a little but know what she wants to talk about. Don't ask right off the bat what kind of under garments she is wearing. It is a no win situation, she is either going to be like what the fuck, or she is going to tell you. In the later case, she has herpes ... 100%. If you really think this is necessary wear a fucking name tag that says something along the lines of "Hey my name is Jeremy... whitey tighties"

Jeremy's Chivalry - Part Une (basics)

Alright, these blogs posts are going to be long so get ready. There is just so much to talk about with this subject. Let's first break down this word "Chivalry." Chivalry is a term related to the medieval institution of knighthood, which has a military provenance of individual training and service to others. It is usually associated with ideals of knightly virtues, honor and courtly love. The work is derived from the French word “chevalerie” itself derived from “chevalier”, which means knight, derived from “cheval”, horse (indicating one who rides a horse). Ok, was that too much for everyone out there? Let me break that down to what I got from it which is probably 99% accurate. Fucking knights on horses practiced this shit, so you know it is good. Have you seen the movie A Knight's Tale with Heath Ledger (RIP). There was phenomenal courtship and chivalry all up in that movie. The fact of the matter is you don't have to be a fucking knight or own a horse in order to do this (horse would be legit though). I might be a little boastful here but most of this seems like common sense to me, but then again, not many people have common fucking sense anymore. Don't get me wrong, 80% of the population has probably dated more people than I have. My relationships have been long term in nature. Not my fault, I am just a fucking blast to be around for at least 2 years that is. After two years I lose my knighthood apparently and get off my horse. Hey after two years for straddling a horse you would get off too. Boom. But there are just certain things you do when out with a lady and certain things you don't do. Everyone hears the horror stories, but it is a little deeper than that. Remember we are talking about women here. Whether we want to admit to it or not, we are trying everyday to get with them. Just some of us fuck it up more than others. This picture pretty much sums up how we should act based on the definition of Chivalry.

Chivalry tactic knowledge

This is just a teaser post for my next epic blog post. I will blog a 2 part series giving you all my knowledge on chivalry tactics. There will be ups and downs along this journey. Things that will ask you why texting was invented and things making you ask why you were invented. But all in all, my goal is to make you learn something new. Something that I know that will probably get you the best person compatible for you. Ok, last part was a lie or was it? Boom. The ball is in your court bitches.

Happiness scale

So, somebody asked me the other day what makes me happy. There is a shit ton of things that make me happy. But I had a hard time explaining it like I do with most subjects that do not pertain to sports. So I made the Jeremy happiness scale. This is just a rough draft of this scale. There could be so much more, but I think I hit the main points. More to come on this subject so I can respond to the person who asked me this with at least a 3 page paper front and back in 8 point font.

Running get-up

I really can't even put this picture into words. But from what I have heard this is what she will be wearing when we run in the mornings and the day of the race. Also, those are kettle-bells.

This happens

Many want to know, Jeremy what happens when somebody just pisses you off? It is a plain and simple answer that is also very complicated. Let's just take this "fictional" (maybe) story. This girl throws sand on my shirt one day during volleyball. I pretend I am fine with this action. However, I start scheming in my head how can I get her back for doing this. Then i devise the most complex payback ever. First I need to somehow get her to Sawyer Point by the river. So, I devise a plan to say that I am running in an Urbanathlon, this makes her want to do it as well. Then I tell her we should train and run and jump over shit. I know that she will research where we can do this and it will lead her to one place. Fucking Sawyer Point! Plan in progress. Then I let us train at least 5 times there until one faithful day she lets her guard down while jogging by the river, and then BOOM i pick her ass up and toss her in the Ohio river. This action then leads to her not being able to have children because that water is nasty as shit. It was all a revenge plan that just took months to execute but seconds to plan. Enjoy the taste of diaper, syringe, and urine, for that is what this river is made up of.

Organization of a 65 year old man

So, I thought I would bring up the recent topic that people at work make fun of me for. I have a Monday through Friday pill storage thing. (Have no idea what the proper name is for this) Everyone seems to think this is for old men and women. I respectfully disagree. You know what fuck that I just disagree with no respect. It keeps me organized and helps me to remember to take my damn medicine. You have a checkbook, I have a fucking pill organizer. It's the same damn difference. Plus mine has magnets on the back of it so I can put it on my metal shelf. If that makes me old or a nerd fuck it I am already there anyways. This is the only thing I am semi-organized with in my life, so I am proud. In a couple weeks the pill takage will be reduced to just 2 things. But I will still be using my organizer for it.

Toweling off

A bonus blog for the day. After our runs at Sawyer Point we are usually a sweaty mess. Well where we park is right in front of where a high end salon is. Mostly older mid-crisis aged women. Well I didn't even realize this last time and the shirt was off and i was sweating like Lohan during a church festival. Well without even thinking about it I started to towel myself off only to realize that most of them and their hair dressers were all just looking through the window in shock. I wish i could say it was because I was in amazing shape (just not there yet), i think it was just because there was a man with tattoos in front of their place with his shirt off toweling his chest and back. See figure A.

Wait stop... i think i pulled my left ass cheek

So it was Thursday and that meant time to train for Urbanathlon. Me and Erin ended up going to Sawyer Point again to run around and jump over things and run up and down steps because UC field was being used for practice or some shit. I mean nothing too crazy happened at the beginning. You know the usual ... Erin bitching at me for making her do steps... which is then proceeded by me threatening to throw her in the Ohio River, you know good times. So we finally did all our workout and were heading back to the car when Erin goes... wait, ow ow ow, and I look over and she is limping like she was in Nam' or something. So, in my concerned state asked her, are you ok? In which her response was.. and I quote, "I think i pulled my left ass cheek." After I laughed and got a good core workout from laughing for about 10 minutes. I was like how do you stretch that. I looked everywhere. I checked WebMD and all other health sites and they all had no info on left ass cheek strains. So I had to take matters into my own hands and draw a diagram and send it into multiple health websites and just local Cincinnati doctors to see what they said. I have included the document I provided them to demonstrate where the strain happened. I will keep you all posted to what I hear from them.

Holy Hillbilly

Alright, so this past Saturday I went to a hillbilly party hosted by Nick from the volleyball team. It was a Dukes of Hazard party but pretty sure that just means come as hillbillied up as humanly possible. I think I achieved this feat pretty flawlessly. First I needed Erin to get my a shirt from Goodwill. She picked out a pretty comfortable little piece which we then cut the sleeves off and then some of the bottom of the shirt off too. Then I had to get my beater on, which I purchased. Just that alone was comical, but then I had to put on the shorts. My goal was to make the pockets visible but I think I took it to the next level. I couldn't sit down. It was that bad. I have included a live picture of these glorious man leg exposing shorts. If you look closely you can see the giant PBR in the background. Art bitches. There was also cowboy boots, tied up shirts, some of which contained denim collars. Yeah you heard me correctly, denim collar. To sum up the party me, Erin, and Katie made it. There was a incident where a big fortune teller told me I looked gay. Fuck you giant fortune teller lady. Also another lady tried to rip the shorts of by tugging at the bottom of them. Also, not cool. I need these shorts for when I work on my lawn mower in the front yard ... shit.

Panic in the Streets

I read an article today on Time.com and it really got to me. Apparently there is a massive overpopulation of a specific animal in these United States. What are these animals? God damn Guinea pigs. They are everywhere apparently. So me being the curious cat I am marched down to the Cincinnati Zoo to talk to some experts in this very dangerous field of animals. The expert at the zoo seemed shaken a bit, and went on to discribe his encounter with one of these "Pigs." Apparently the little bastard was on a mini segway and tried to kill him. So I started to research where these horrible animals are coming from and there is only one explanation. NEW GUINEA! This is where they are trained and then shipped to the United States in bulk. All I know is I don't trust them and you shouldn't either. I would also like to thank Dana for giving me the tip on where they are coming from. It really is scary. I don't even know who this "Papua" is, but if he keeps sending new guinea's we are all screwed.

Common Sense

Training time

So training for the urbanathlon Erin and I have signed up for began full force this week. It is going to be crazy! The course is about 9.5 miles and has I believe 6 obstacle course which includes climbing cars, going over monkey bars and running up the steps of Soldier field. In order to train for this event we are going to have to go to parks and obviously jump over statues, go across monkey bars and run up bleachers all while kicking children out of our way. It was be pretty great and no doubt we will kick its ass. I have included a pic of what our training will look like. Erin is jumping over a dolphin statue. Why? Because she can bitch.

Do I want a cig, chips, or a stuffed snake

This blog post was done by a request. Last night Erin, Katie, and myself went out after a hard fought volleyball game to get some food (Dana attended) and then play some darts. First let me start off by discussing our service at the restaurant we went to. Our waitress was horrible and slow, she spent more time "pussy footing" (Dana quote) than actually getting us beer. Strike one bitch. Then she brought out Katie's mashed potatoes. The only description that I can think of to describe the taste was Satan's Chode cheese. Pretty much imagine the grossest thing possible and put fake bacon on it. Anyway, after that mess we headed over to animations in which we participated in a friendly game of darts. Then it happened. We saw the most glorious prize the winner should get if he or she wins. It was positioned perfectly between the Kools and Marlboro lights. No it was not Newports but a god damn stuffed snake! It was amazing and only around $50.00. I mean you could use this thing for whatever your heart desired. I know if I won it I already had plans to hang in from my mirror. Erin would of used it for a hair tie and Katie would of just kept it in her pocket to scare people with it, but not realize it gave her a bulge making her look like she has a penis. I have included a picture of what it looked like in the vending machine as well as a pic of us when we found out it was available for purchase. Enjoy :)

Pippen.

Well I went to Chicago this weekend and we decided to go out on Rush street Saturday night. On the walk from The Tavern on Rush to Enclave (which I was not allowed in because of cargo shorts) we just happen to see Scottie Pippen. As you would expect me and Pip hit it off and are now best friends and we drive around in his Rolls obviously. I was able to get 4 pictures with him. One of which is actually legit and the other 3 are me doing stupid stuff as usual. For example me pretending to guard him. I also asked him if he hated Ron Harper as much as I did. He just looked and me and smirked. I am taking that as a big pip-yes. I have drawn a pic of our encounter. The stick figures are scaled back to show actual height difference (8 inches).

Summer scarves

This blog's purpose is to bring to attention the trend of summer scarves. Here at Luxottica people are pretty high on fashion and not just the sunglass variety. Guys are wearing skinny jeans, and girls wearing glasses in which the lens are about the same size as my open hand while indoors. Now this past couple weeks the temperature has been in the 90's with a heat index of making it feel like it was in the 100's some days. With the temperature that high of course the air is going to be on in the building, but they do not blast it and it is in no way freezing in here. This fact does not prevent women and men alike to be wearing a scarf with their wardrobe. I think it is hilarious and my friend Tiffany wears them and I give her a lot of crap about it too. However, when guys are wearing them in the office I lose it. They all look like they are sweating which I depicted in my picture but have to wear a scarf to cover up their vampire bite wound they performed with a stapler remover because of their undying love for twilight. At least that is my opinion on why they would wear these "accessories" in the middle of the hottest summer in a while.

Bora Bora

Has anyone ever been to the French Polynesian Islands? They are incredible and that is being said with me just looking at screen savers and desktops. My favorite island looks to be Bora Bora, because of the amazing beaches and the remote feeling of it. I actually had tickets to go here once purchased but that "fell through" and they had to be refunded and thankfully I was able to do that. It is quite expensive to fly there and stay. However, I will be going there one day. I don't care when or with whom at the moment but it will happen. To help illustrate my point I will obviously create a picture for you in paint using nothing but my memory (of the screensaver). Feel free to use as your desktop wallpaper! (PS it is hard to show depth in paint. The blue in the background is the amazing water)

Pinky out.

Today at lunch I noticed 2 different people who were drinking their pop with their pinky out. There has been laughs about this already within volleyball limits. But I am now noticing more and more people who are promoting this "drink with the pink" out attitude. I only feel like I should be doing that sipping on wine that does not have the name Korbel. I am now determined with John to take a tally of how many people do drink and point at the same time. Until then... pinky out bitches. Enjoy the pic.

Amazing sweaters and shirts

Today's blog is about the sweaters, shirts, and ties that were handed down to me by my Great Grandma. They belonged to my Great Grandpa who was pretty influential in my life. He was an absolute sports nut. A die hard baseball fan (Cubs fan but still a fan). He took me to my first baseball game when I was 4, I actually remember some of the game too. These sweaters she gave me were insanely bright and drew attention so of course I loved them. The ties were the same and he actually had a piano tie I still have. I am pretty sure he is where I got my sense of humor. My Great Grandma also gave me some of his socks too. All of them had Zulich written over them (his last name). I tried to draw one of the sweaters I saw last night in my closet. The pic doesn't do it justice though. It is 100 times more awesome than the pic. If you see me in the winter I will probably wear it to a party :)

Miss ya Gramps!

Volleywallyball day

Today is Thursday. That means that we have a volleyball game. It is the one time of the week in which it is sort of socially acceptable to carry around a toy pistol. I have included a picture of the pistol that I received as a birthday present. Best present ever, besides when I was I believe 6 and my parents got me the Ghostbusters House (pic also included). What magical days. Also as you can see the tip of the pistol is broke. I don't like to point fingers or say names of people responsible. With that being said, lets just say the name of the person who did this rhymes with Natie Smeal.

Work shananigans

We needed a sub for volleyball in two weeks, I asked my friend Marissa if she would and she said she could. I then found out that Dana truly hates a girl named Marissa she knew from a work function. So I decided to mess with her via e-mail and tell her it was the hated Marissa that was playing, it was fun but I felt a little bad because I think she really wants to kill this girl. However, I have drawn in paint how I see this showdown going down!

Greatest Creation

This was by far my greatest paint creation. It was Erin's birthday present that I was contracted to create from her sister Katie. This took me at least 15 minutes to perform not including google image look ups and dog head cropping. Just so you know 15 minutes in Microsoft paint is equivalent to about 3 and a half weeks for normal acrylic based artwork. I tried to incorporate everything that is important in her life. That included Buddha, Miles, Honey, and her sister. What you don't see is that I am also in this picture because of course I am important in her life. You can't see me because I drew myself in white. But I am peering right over Honey's left ear. Can you see me sort of... yep that is me. I am important as well.

Non-volleyball people

So, there are actually people who are reading this blog whom I did not play volleyball with. So to get you in the loop I will provide you a picture of my volleyball team. Don't worry volleyball team my friends won't judge you based off this pic. However, I also think it would be fun to share my first impression of everyone. I am curious to see what their first impression was as well. This pic shows my impression after knowing them for about 2 months and I think it is spot on. First impression list will be coming soon. :) It won't be bad, I am pretty sure I didn't have a bad first impression of anyone. Well, besides all the girls. PS I am currently working on my butt drawing skills. Then tend to come off as looking like something else. I apologize if I offend anyone who has long brown hair and balls on the left side of their hip.

Team shorts

I threw this idea out there the same day I gave the t-shirt design. It seems however most didn't take to my volleyball shorts idea. I thought they were absolutely perfect for our team. They would be comfortable but also portray a statement. That statement was, "Hey we are here to party... and go fuck yourself." This didn't catch on. But I thought I would let you see this design again and maybe you will now see what I was talking about when i designed these. The lightning stands for our speed and how quickly we can strike (by strike I mean spike a bitch in the face). The fire stands for our hot dance moves. The bear claw stands for ... well a damn bear claw, because when you see a bear claw who isn't like ... hot damn that is a bear claw. Shit that is cool. Seriously, if you play volleyball with me, think about this.