Jeremy's Chivalry - Part Deux (Jeremy's Guide to Dinner Dates)

Ah, welcome back to this two part informational series on my take of chivalry. The first part was just my rambling on the whole wooing of the women. Now the second part is my fool proof guide to the 1st Dinner date. I will discuss things you should do and things you should never do. Also thanks to some for giving me don'ts whether you meant to or not :)

DO's :

Let her order first - In all circumstances, doesn't matter if you've been in the Sahara desert for 50 years and haven't had a meal in that long - let her order first in a restaurant. Let's face it, all girls are rabid wolverines when it comes to food. I've seen the smallest girls eat the same amount a village in Papua, New Guinea eats. So let her order first so you know exactly how much all of it will end up - that way you can gauge if you should hold back on your order, or order to your hearts content as well.

Time Your eating - Try not to finish before her, cause then it leaves that weird awkward moment where you end up staring at her like George McFly in a tree. Remember the first one. Girls are wolverines. You got that? Girls = wolverines. So once they're done eating, many will still be hungry. And have you ever hung out with a hungry wolverine? It's not fun. They get all snappy and start mini-riots. They start scratching and biting body parts. It just ain't pretty. Better to have some extra food on your plate

Pay for the meal - Don't sit there and fight about it, take charge like a man and don't try to hide it either when it comes, as if you're smuggling drugs. Don't stare at the bill either, that way she won't see the blood leaving your face as you turn white and contemplate whether or not you should steal some silverware and sell it on eBay to pay for the $200 bill.

Standing - Anytime she excuses herself to the restroom, or where ever, stand up too. Just half stand up. I noticed that this one is a bit hard to pull off as a natural move, so to help this, you can just ask a simple question while doing it, to diffuse the attention. Ask if they want more wine or something, that way they'll concentrate on the question more than the fact that you're half-standing up like a constipated monkey. This also gives you chance to adjust the tight dress pants you bought from Banana Republic for this date.

DO NOTS :

Too much drinking - Wine, champagne, beer never chug as it comes, and definitely do not drink out of the bottle. No matter what. Even if your pinky is out. Of course there is nothing wrong with having a couple of drinks at dinner. That is absolutely normal. Also, when you do raise your glass, say a little something before you take your first sip. Can't think of anything? No problem. Just say "World peace." Otherwise, toast to a nice part of your date so far. Also, never tell the girl you think she might be drinking too much or have a "problem" this is highly frowned upon.

Bring up previous dates - Why, why would you do this. People do this I guess to break the silence or have a subject to talk about but really? If anyone is remotely interested in you, the last thing they want to hear about is you on other dates. Even if the stories are all about bad dates, don't do it. If you start a story by saying "Man, this last date I was on was horrible, he started to smoke after we had sex, and I am allergic to smoke" I am getting out of there faster than George Bush at a respected library.

Go to the bathroom for too long - What the hell are you doing in the bathroom for 15 minutes? Have you called your friends to tell them what a horrible date this has become. Did you fucking go out the bathroom window? Did you just throw up your dinner so you don't have to go to the gym. My mind is going to race and think about what the hell you are doing in there. Then we all know what the last thought is... poopin, and that just ruins the magic of the evening.

Eating like a primate - If you can't eat like a normal damn person, then don't take her out to eat you jackass. Chew with your mouth closed, use the fucking napkin, and for god sakes man use your fucking utensils. I have heard a story of someone using their thumb to scope food onto a fork to eat. Nice move, because now she would love to have some of your scallop thumb running through her hair. Ass.

Texting - What the fuck are you doing.... seriously. That is all.

Not dressing the part - I don't give a fuck if they are Sean Jean sweatpants. They are sweatpants. Also, are you wearing fucking Reeboks?

Going dutch - Listen some might think this is perfectly fine, and it could be, but if you are going to have the balls to actually ask her out to dinner pay for it. Never discuss going dutch even before this 1st date is planned.

Random creepy questions - Seriously, think of things to talk about before the actually date. I mean you can wing it a little but know what she wants to talk about. Don't ask right off the bat what kind of under garments she is wearing. It is a no win situation, she is either going to be like what the fuck, or she is going to tell you. In the later case, she has herpes ... 100%. If you really think this is necessary wear a fucking name tag that says something along the lines of "Hey my name is Jeremy... whitey tighties"