Bermuda Triangle of dating

So sometimes it is hard to try to think of a first date idea. If you are like me and only go on first dates because either the girl doesn't work out, is not into you, or according to your parents you are doing something wrong and/or weird. So you want to try to switch it up. I am not going to lie, I think i am pretty good at first dates. I have gone all out and I have gone very relaxed and chill before on a first date. There is one thing I won't do though and it has even been brought to my attention by women. The first date will never be let's just grab some coffee. You see that shit all the time in the movies and on TV (Friends). The guy sees an attractive girl walks up to her and is like "Hey, can I buy you a cup of coffee sometime." But I hear. "Hello, I have no idea what you are like, but I want to make this first date with you pretty boring giving myself no shot to get you into bed tonight." I mean come on taking someone for a cup of coffee on the first date is the bermuda triangle of sex. The odds of you getting that girl to come home with you after some pumpkin spice coffee from Starbucks is about the same odds of a Bengal player not getting arrested in the next year. Granted I know it has probably happened before minus the Bengal player not getting arrested. But probably only once and I am just going to assume the girl was either already drunk and wanted the coffee to sober up or both were in a dry spell for 6+ months. Only two ways. Trust me it's science. So next time you decide to ask a girl out ask her if she wants to grab a drink, if she says how about some coffee.... pack the Kahlua.

The MLT's girl

So I went on a date last week but I think I need to start with how this date developed for you to really get this picture. I play co-rec softball on Wednesday's and we usually grab a beer or two either before the game or after because you get beer tickets. So the bar that these beer tickets are good for is called Mount Lookout Tavern or MLT's but i think is also known as ML-Dudes because it is known to be frequented by a lot of guys. But anyway I was there with my team and we were just having a good time when i decided to head down to the bar and get another pitcher of beer with our other ticket. When i went down i found an opening at the bar to request my free pitcher of Coors light. That's when the girl next to me whispered "help me." When i first heard this I was like who said that and if it's a ghost fuck my life... I hate ghosts. Instead of me having a six sense it was the girl next to me who was wearing a nice black and white dress. So naturally I looked at her and said "What?" That's when she explained how she was on a horrible date and he went to the bathroom. Now how she thought i was going to help her beats me. I guess if after this weekend I could have rescued her from her date by showing my medal i got from the Urbanathlon and yelled come with me Miss there are puppies in trees that are on fire that need rescuing and I need you to hold the wicker basket as I toss them in.  (Joke from the weekend) However, this medal did not exist yet so I was just like not sure how i can help you. That's when she said well you can take me on a real date. Which was true. Who the fuck takes a date to MLT's? I have that about equal to someone taking their 1st date to their colonoscopy appointment. Just not a good impression, but who am I to judge. Anyways we exchanged numbers and she texted me the next day before I could even text her asking when we were going out. So I set up a date and we headed to Cock and Bull in Covington to have a beer. While there I wasn't nervous or anything and was just my crazy self making jokes that are probably inappropriate for a first date. But guess what, if you can't handle it a little on the first date it's not going to work out because I am not going to change from my witty banter self. When I went to the bathroom for the 1st time though I was like... I wonder what the hell she is thinking. Is she whispering to some other dude and being like save me? Is that her line to pick up a different dude each time. If so, oh well. At least I not like fully committed to this girl and this is our 5th date or something. Shit I haven't made it past like a 3rd date since my ex from college. We chatted for a good two hours and I thought things went well. She laughed and snorted which I take as a good sign. Forget what I was talking about but i am pretty sure it was about how I feel like i am the most coordinated clumsy guy I know. After the night was over I walked her to her car she gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and we parted. Better than a handshake I guess. She texted me late that night as well to tell me how funny I was and how this was the funnest 1st date she has been on (EGO BOOST 1) So, of course was like well we should get together again. No response. I was like ok maybe she went to bed. Well she got my e-mail from friending me on facebook I guess because I got an e-mail from her 2 days later stating the following "I had a great time with you, however I think our personalities clash too much to be romantically involved." then the rest was like yada yada yada excuse... let's be friends you know the typical. (EGO CRUSH 1) I responded with alright. Well it was nice to meet you. Then trying to figure out what flaw in my personality causes this. Finally after thinking about that for 3.2 seconds I was like wait. I have a fucking amazing personality. Shit, I won best personality my senior year in high school. I like my sense of humor. So at this point I knew this girl was fucking nuts and moved on. Then came this weekend. The crazy bitch sent me another e-mail saying sorry and she really did have a lot of fun and thinks she jumped to conclusions to early about our "clashing." She wanted to go out again. Of course I responded no and that her first instinct was probably the right one. Our personalities did clash. Mine is fucking awesome and yours sucked balls. (EGO BOOST 2) :)

Last 3 months

So I have not posted on this blog in sometime. Well that is going to change. I have about 3 months to catch up on and that is what I am going to do. I tried to capture the last 3 months in a paint picture of course. This is what came out of that. I think this is what a cluster-fuck would look like if it existed. But this can also stand for what your world looks like if you actually fuck Ke$ha. Guess you will have to wait and see which it is, or it could be both.

Dependent spiral of flaketon (best title ever?)

Alright I don't even know how to explain this whirlwind of a story about the last couple weeks. It has def. been crazy and I have learned a lot. Probably too much. It all started when I got my company tickets to the reds game. The seats are pretty sweet. First row behind the visitors dugout in which you can yell things at them. For example "Hey number 34, your baseball skillz are less than mediocre." Anyways everything can be expensed to my AMEX. So we hit up bars before the game and grab a plethora of beers during as well. At this point I am about 8 beers into the game. When my client has to leave during the 5th inning because he had to watch his little girls while his wife went out for something. So i WAS going to stay till the end then sit in the fountain square parking garage and sober up or meet up with a friend I knew from work as well to chill downtown. Then i got the text from a girl who I use to be pretty interested in but since started to figure out that she might have been the most dependent person I have ever met in my life. She literally just moved out of her parents house and into an apartment right down the street from me. She was at the game too with some friends. She asked where i was sitting and then said I had an empty seat. So she came down and we drank more and chatted and I am pretty pissed because she got a foul ball and a towel. I got shit. Apparently if you are a semi-attractive girl in the front row you can ask for balls from the players and they will just hand them up. Sexiest bastards. So game was over and we were both hammered. So we decided to go back to her place after the game. Got back there around 10:30. The game ended quickly. While at her place I then realized the crazy dependencies is all i am going to say. We watched some movie that I have no idea what is was about. It had Uma Thurman in it and it was not Kill Bill. We went back to get my car at 2 am from the garage. Which was stupid should have just left it there till the morning. I did pull a pretty dick move in my book, in which in the middle of the night I discussed how I was not looking for a relationship. Who the fuck does that at like 1:30 am... apparently I do when I am drunk. But i have had to state it before so I thought I needed to slam the message home with a after activity message. I'm a dick. I knew I was staying home from work. Got my car went back there and stayed there for the rest of the night till my phone alarm went off at 7am, in which i gladly yelled at it to fuck off and went back to bed. I left her place around 9 and thought about the whirlwind of what might happen. Granted this girl is attractive to me... physically. On a mental level we are no where close. She once tried to tell me she is a commitment phobe. I don't buy that excuse but whatever. So since then communication has definitely picked up. I mean what to do? I think I know what i should do, but i hate doing it. I like having friends and she is not crazy bad to hang out with on occasion. I just can't be over there every night because she needs help with something or for god sake wants to trap my ass hanging up a mirror. We will see how drunk i get in the future and what happens when around her and what i might say. I mean hey she asked me to hang out at the pool Saturday and drink all day. Eeek.

Smartest thing someone has ever told me

"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache, no matter how difficult carries with it a seed of opportunity for us to nurture which awaits only our steadfast desire to make the change. We have the choice to no longer accept the present state, devoting all of our energy not to frustration and anger, but to fuel the future that we know is possible. The biggest change comes from within."

Best Man Speech

So I actually found my best man speech I have to give at a wedding. This was a rough draft but overall it didn't change short and sweet. I feel like I left out somethings. I actually ad-libed a lot as well because I got a little nervous. I think at one point I asked for an adjective from the guests to put in my speech because I want to get them more involved and thought mad libs would be a fun game to play with the speech. However I continued and here is roughly what I said:

[Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Jeremy and today I’ve had the privilege of being Johnny’s best man. I’m known to be many things, but a public speaker isn’t one of them, so luckily for all you I’m going to keep this short and sweet.

Johnny didn't have an easy decision in choosing his best man. First, he called his most charming friend, and he said no. Second, he called his most trusted and smartest friend, and he said no as well. Then, he asked his most good looking friend, and he also said no. Then he called me, and I said Johnny, You caught my bluff, I can't say no to you four times. So here I am.

As many of you here tonight know, I have known Johnny since we were in kindergarten in Mrs. Jarozs' class. I remember I was new and was looking for a seat and this boy came up to me and was like "HEY I'M JOHNNY YOU CAN SIT HERE." That pretty much sums up Johnny. Always open and always kind, even to the new kids in class who sport mullets.

From that 1st day in Kindergarten I've gotten to know Johnny quite well over the years, and Sara I will say this – you have a husband who is devoted to you and will never let you down. I’ve seen him at his worst, and I've seen him at his best.. but through the years I have never seen him as happy as he is as when he’s with you.

And Sara what more can Johnny ask for. You two are the perfect compliments. You are so sincere, so kind, and now that you both live in South Carolina you both have some pretty wicked base tans.

So Johnny, Sara, and friends, as a man who will drink to just about anything, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to drink to something worthwhile. Please join me in a toast: Johnny & Sara, I know the two of you are going to have a long and happy life together. I speak for everyone here when I say I wish you both the very best. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old fashioned enough to last forever. To Johnny and Sara.]

Jesus gave me water

So your typical Saturday came around and I decided to work out. So i went to a 10:30 spin class and did that magical workout on a bike. After Erin and I finished up spin. We decided to get food, we barely discussed maybe getting bottomless mimosa's. She said give Katie a call and see if she wants to meet up with us and get food. So I called Katie and I think her exact words were "Yeah, I am starving. Where you thinking mimosa's? Fucking read our mind. Place was nice and had a live band that day which I thoroughly enjoyed. Little violin, cello, and acoustic guitar can't go wrong to me. Now I am not sure how many of the little decanters of mimosa's we had but it was a lot. I heard at least 3 corks pop from the champagne. One of which flying and almost hitting some people at the table (hilarious). Now fast forward I don't know 5 hours. None of us could drive and it was pretty nice out, so we decided to take a little stroll back to our respected humble abodes. How far we walked is a blur to me, but i think we figured something like over 3 miles. Here is a list of things we did on this walk of no fucking shame at all.

• At the beginning of the walk it was hot thankfully a lady left out some jesus water for us to partake in. I could taste the jesus. (see included pic)

• We found three chairs off the side of the road across from the police station. You would think this would detour us from doing anything crazy. Nope, we tip each other over in the chairs. I put mulch on Erin to make her one with nature. Katie contemplated stealing a birdhouse she saw. (Keep in mind police station in view across the street) Once we picked ourselves up we began to travel again.

• As we were walking we found an open area of grass. Normally when walking home after drinking that much you would think let's just get home and pass out. Nope one person did a kart wheel then the other would try. Then i did some sort of flop thing and landed on my side. This somehow turned into each of us attempting to do a handstand. I think all of us failed and we all have to bruises to prove it.

• When then passed a UDF. At this point the magic Jesus water had worn off so we were quenched and decided stop for malts, cherry cordial sundae, and an issue of cosmo happily purchased by Erin. She found out 6 new ways to get him to buy you shit I think.
  

• After the UDF we proceed to walk about 7 steps and hopped into Dutch's to do wha telse?? Drink some beer. So we each had a beer, Erin had a glass of wine, and we chased it with our delicious UDF drinks. How we have not thrown up at this point is amazing. I think that was broken soon after. The bartender wanted the girls the try his goetta balls. He sort of skipped me. I think he was in love because they were drunk, eating ice cream, and reading cosmo. Every man's dream.
  

• We actually all proceeded to walk home after that and split up. I went down my street to my place which felt like it took at least 24 hours to get to because i was drunk and had no one to talk to. Katie and Erin apparently tried to hop in a apartment complex pool but there was people there. I would have still cannonballed in then got out and gentlemanly nod slowly walking away in the sunset. But hey that is just me :)
  

I think we learned a lot that day. I know I learned I want to at least do this every two months now :)

Blackout Part Deux -- B-day blackness

So the day came, my birthday, after 28 years it becomes less important each year and the countdown to 30 begins. This year I knew I wanted it to be sort of chill and just a night to sit out and have some beers. Who the fuck was I kidding. It started out like that, we went to Dutch's and I ordered a Dead guy. Right then at that moment I knew shit would be spinning in less than 3 hours. So we were there for a little bit. I got a pumpkin pie which is my fav and a gift from a friend you might have seen it in the preview. It was a book about exercises you can do as a gentlemen in a suit and you better god damn believe I am a gentleman **nod** (slight curtsy as well). After this amazingness happened and we did some exercises in Dutch's like pretend sponge bathes and whatnot we headed over to Animations where the shit show began.

At this point in the evening I have a hard time remembering all that happened so I will give the time line I think happened and fill in the blanks with amazing things.

10:00 pm - Beer is ordered and i start my sipping not feeling too bad right now

10:15 pm - Someone gets me my first shot of goldschlager FML

10:15:20 pm - Shot gone Jeremy starts to feel warm

10:20 pm - Another shot of goldschlager comes and I drink the shit out of it

10:21 pm - I think another comes, I slam it harder than ... (I am a gentleman again I won't use the 2,463,764 analogies of Paris Hilton/Kardasian I am thinking of **Nod**)

10:22-??? - At this point time is not being recorded by my brain I have taken multiple shots of Goldschlager drank some high alcohol content of beer and things start to get real

Guessing around 10:45 - Everyone is having a good time and laughing exactly what I wanted for my b-day.... while they converse I sneak off and read a couple pages of my new book, do some hand grasps exercises and lunges then head back to join the group.

11:00 pm - Someone buys me a can of fat cat beer, the beer that tastes like raisins I drink a quarter of it and almost go into shock and pass out. I then think it's a good idea to drink a shot of goldschlager and chase it with fat cat. Thus, making the now infamous cinnamon raisin bagel shot.

11:10ish pm - Seriously at this point i am just making up times no idea where I am at, how much I have drank and if I am still wearing pants at this point

11:20 pm - Tell embarrassing story about my ex in Chicago, then this is hazy and someone might need to confirm but I am pretty sure I did the defibrillator (best dance move evaaaa) and then some sort of Wayne's World thrust swaawing movement

11:30 pm - Another double of goldschlager is ordered I have no desire to drink it, everyone starts banging on the table yelling whiskers, I fall for this tactic drink the shot and then head out to the bushes on the side of the building... like a boss.

11:35 pm on - I get home safely go inside my house and think that I am going to die. I try to watch a movie but just feel sick and dead. Texts were sent to plenty of people and I don't even want to repeat what was said in some of them. But I think the night was a complete success and I am glad the people who came, came and everyone had fun. It was suppose to be a chill night... yeah fucking right, Goldschlager is a little bitch and she does not do chill.

Blackout Part Deux (B-day) -- Morning Preview

This should help you see where this blog entry is going to go later today.

Derby Day (Blackout #1)

So it was Derby Day and I was going to a party to support some local Buddhists I know. I arrived at this party without Goldschlager which was on purpose. (Side note: As I was just writing that sentence I tried to figure out why I like this liquor so much and have no clue, I guess I blame Cinnamon Toast Crunch???) So the party goes well and it was a lot of fun. Money was raised for a good cause and there was beer. Pretty successful day if you ask me. Then for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to go to my place and get the Goldschlager that was in my freezer. Why the hell did I have to live this close to the party? Also as a precursor to this I brought a beer bong and bonged a couple of beers. That won't get me blackout but it was def. helping open the door to wonderful blackout land. So I show back up with it and things went downhill fast. For god sakes I had a damn recipe book for things to make with goldschlager this night can not end well. The next thing i remember is taking a shot with tobasco sauce and another with amaretto. Finally, I chased that shit with a strawberry. So you guessed it. I am completely gone at this point. I then got locked out! I had to stand in the rain and give puppy dog faces in the door for someone to let me in! Overall, it was a good night for me! Not so much for my friend.

Time to catch up

Shit has happened in May and I didn't have time to post it. So tomorrow and the next few days I will walk you through exactly what happened. 90% of these stories include Goldschlager. I am not going to bother to have someone help me piece together the nights. I am going to tell it like I remember it. Enjoy.

Erin's B-day

One of my many talents is predicting the future. So on behalf of Erin's birthday I have decided to use my paint skills and predict what this time next year has in store for her. Happy birthday Erin and try to lay off the red-line. Also, please don't attempt to toss me into the Ohio.

~Jeremy :)

And....you're welcome

This I think is a good guide to follow.

Otis

I have lost my second dog in as many days. I can barely write this without choking up. You were such a great dog with so much personality. I will miss you so much. RIP Otis.

Buttercup

I still remember in Middle School letting you out of the house, getting yelled at by my parents and then having to chase you through the woods and having to jump into the lake because you jumped in to chase the geese. Good times. I will miss ya mother hen.

‎"A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbol means nothing to her. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give it your heart and they will give you theirs."

The 2 year plan

So, I went out with this girl for the second time this past weekend. The first date was not ideal but I chalked it up to being nervous and having other things on my mind at the moment. To make a long story short she called me weird twice that night (which I do not deny). So then i called her a couple nights after that to set up a second date in which you get to really know someone. During the conversation tattoos came up as a subject and without her knowing I had 4 of them now, 2 of which are not even a week old at this point, she said that people with tattoos are trashy. Yep, that pretty much got my attention. I know a lot of people who happen to have tattoos and I would never use the word trashy to describe any of them. Anyways I still organized the next get together at Bonefish grill. This is where it got interesting. After we ordered and got the small talk out of the way. You know the old, how was your week? She went on about how she has this two year plan to start a family. She didn't go into details, or she may have but i was in too much shock to really let what she was saying sink in. If i had to take a guess I would say it went something like this.

Months 1-4 = courtship of partner to start the life plan with

Months 4-6 = have significant other propose

Months 6-12 = get house or apartment and learn to not hate each other for months 1-6

Month 12-15 = make babies

Month 15-23 = realize the mistake you made by having a two year plan

Month 24 = separate and start at Month 1 again

**pic to come later :)

My Advice to people with cancer and everyone else

I believe in life.
I believe in living every minute of it with every ounce of your being.
And that you must not let cancer take control of it.
I believe in energy, channeled and fierce.
I believe in focus, getting smart and living strong.
Unity is strength. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything with this disease.

Accept the tears. Acknowledge the rage.

Believe in your right to live without pain.
Believe in information. NOT pity.

This is no time to pull punches.
You're in the fight of your life.

Be about the hard stuff.
Like finding the nerve to ask for a second opinion.
Be about preventing cancer. Finding it early. Getting smart about clinical trials.
And if it comes to it, being in control of how your life ends.
It's your life. You will have it your way, take no fucking prisoners.

The fight never ends.
Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your life.

Much Love,

Jeremy

Online Dating

Time to blog again.

Ok, I think i need to blog more often. It's been too long for even my liking. So hopefully this picture of The Kardashians makes up for it.

Facts about Jeremy

1. I was born premature and the doctors told my parents that i wasn't going to make it. Then i guess i looked at the doctor and told him to go fuck himself and hopped out of the incubator. That's what my dad said happened anyway.

2. Kids used to ask me what nationality I was, and when I would tell them English they would look at me like i was an idiot and kept asking me until i made up some bullshit answer about my mom being from England....so i really don't know what they wanted me to say.

3. Kids could never say my name right...they would call me Germy...so my nickname for awhile was Germ. Then Wedding Crashers came out and it became J-Bone.

4. Everyone in my family calls me JD besides a few.

5. In kindergarten or 1st grade, can't remember, i was out of clean underwear i guess and my mom sent me to school without any underwear...so at lunch i thought it was a good idea to show some kids that i had no underwear on...so i mooned them. Went to the principal's office for that one. I also took my dad's speeding ticket in for show n tell.

6. I spent the majority of my childhood playing garage basketball at Johnny's place or playing regular basketball at Dustin's house.

7. I once traded my Everclear cd to my friend Nick for some Motown cd with Boyz II Men on the cover.

8. I never drank alcohol until my senior year of high school....and that was after baseball season was over.

9. I once told my cousins that i was dating Christina Ricci from Casper and they believed me.

10. I thought Adam Machara was a foreign exchange student from Russia the first time i ever met him...and when we had to have math partners i chose him and made him do all of the work cause he had glasses and thought he was a math genius.

11. I thought Matt Lewis was crazy the first time i met him because when we were doing layup drills for basketball he was singing Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit...and it was the part "i hope you know i pack a chainsaw."

12. I once recorded me singing I Gotta Get Through This by Daniel Bedingfield with a scarf around my head in my friend's basement....24 hrs later it mysteriously got deleted.

13. I'm extremely shy....people mistake it for being an asshole....or they mistake me being an asshole with my shyness.

14. The first time i ever went down a water slide at Indiana Beach I fell off my intertube and got stuck...lucky for me a 400 lb lady came flying down the slide and helped me to the end....and ended up crushing me in the pool.

15. I used to care if people liked me....i tried to make everyone i met like me...now i could care less.

16. I once chased a camaro down a highway in my Kia doing 100 mph with my friend Johnny riding shotgun and had him throw a garter out the window...ya i know

17. i don't talk a lot around people i don't know....unless i'm drunk then i cannot shut the fuck up

Dating via Jeremy's Mom

So my mom definitely thinks the reason I am single at this point of my life is solely because of me. She gave me a call Sunday early afternoon to catch up. Now before I get into the talk we had. Let me give you a brief clip of my Friday night.

Me and a friend were heading out to Hofbräuhaus in Newport. This was my first experience of Hofbra and I have heard good things. Now we were meeting my friend's friends. They are a pretty hilarious couple and I am actually helping with his bachelor partying coming up so they wanted me to meet them out because they had a group coming and wanted to introduce me to this girl. Now this is a unique situation because I am helping with the bachelor party of this guy but I have never met them. Therefore, they don't know my personality. Thankfully when I got there they had the same personality as me and we honestly joked about every subject for at least 45 minutes before the rest of the group got there. In walked the girl they were trying to hook me up with. She looked nice and was very pretty. She was also super super thin though. I mean everyone has some sort of type they like, but the types I liked before tend not to like my type apparently so I need to change that. So I decided to just throw the uber skinniness out the window and try to see what her personality is like. Mind you this is already 1.5 steins into the night. So we got to talking mind you half the time we were standing up on the benches singing. This already bodes well for me, as I have the voice of an angel that once banged Whitney Houston. Anyway get to talking to this girl she is very religious (wait for it) and goes on to tell me why she is a virgin (wait for it).. then tells me she hates beer (fucking done). I was like "you do know you are at this giant German place known for beer right?" There is no way our waitress or waiter is going to take you serious when you don't order beer. I wanted to say something to the effects of even the Virgin Mary would order a stein here, but thought she might cry and go throw up or something. Then to make it all come full circle she orders a vodka-diet coke. Weird combo if you ask me. In a related twist I thought it was hilarious that she had no idea that mixed drink is called a skinny bitch. Anyways I actually had a good time and we exchanged numbers i think because I have a number i don't know from that night and the name in the address book is Saraah. Which I am assuming is her minus the extra "a". I don't have the game to get a girls number that is not right next to me and doesn't have daddy issues. OK there is the background :)

So my Mom asks me about my Friday night for some reason. I tell her what i did. I didn't give all the details of course. Like little miss virgin. Mom instantly decides because we are not going out on a date I have offended her somehow. My mom knows me and how i can get with my personality :) I then proceeded to make up stories about dates and how I was a complete asshole to the women, which I would never do (still dateable in my mind), that I go out with. I made one story up about a girl who I went out with last Saturday and she wanted me to go to church with her on Sunday. My mom said that was nice. I told her I excused myself to go to the bathroom and ran out of the restaurant and sped home. She stood silent for about 60 seconds and then said "Jeremy Daniel (insert last name so you don't stalk me if i don't know you)" I have never heard her say my whole name like that. Even when I was an asshole. Moral of the story my mother now thinks I am damaged goods and will probably die alone if I keep up my ways. It's probably best she thinks that way. Her trying to hook me up at the dog park is starting to get old.

Story of my life :)

This cracks me up.

New blog

I actually created another blog to help me with motivation. I figured I would try something different. Hopefully this helps :)

http://120daystillchange.blogspot.com/

????

I have had writers block for some time now. I have no idea what to write about. I was just going to tell a joke about my penis, but it was too long. BOOM.

How Jeremy works.

I am a weird person. There, I said it. Whew that felt good. Actually, I don't give a shit. If you know me you already knew I was a little weird, and if you still put up with me then I call you a friend. I don't do shit the conventional way at all. Some people will try to give me shit for it but I truly from the bottom of my heart don't give two or even three fucks. So prime example of my weirdness is to like somebody that probably has no interest in me. It happens to us all, me more often than not. But then a weird thing happens and all of a sudden the person drunkenly admits that she likes me back. Now what do I do? I question the whole damn thing because of how weird she was acting (not to mention flaky in the past). That is weird of me and also weird of her. I guess i am just attracted to weird or what i call unique people. I have been on dates with women who are completely normal and very nice, and actually like me. But guess what that was our first date, I was putting on a front and not really being me. If i was being me odds are she would of been sort of offended within 15 minutes of sitting down at our table. Think I would be myself more on the second date? Nope, totally acted decently normal and did all the right things you read about in books. Wait.... did i just give away the secret I have read books about dating... fuck. Well again I plead to the weirdness. The moral of this post is that if you want to know how the hell i operate in my crazy ass head... don't. I don't even really know half the time. I am a true go with the flow guy who tries to find structure in places that are well...weird.

**Side note - This is no joke, while writing this blog I had a piece of gum in my mouth and something went down the wrong pipe making me cough shooting my gum onto my screen. I am bringing sexy back**

This is probably one of many posts in which I plan to rant a little. Deal. :)

Somebody's Birthday

So somebody's birthday is coming up here soon. Now I don't want to just go out there and say whose birthday it is. But I will give you two clues to try to figure out who it is in the picture.

Clue 1: They may or may not have a giant red circle around them.

Clue 2: They have balls on their hip.

Valentines Day

There is only one way I know how to show my emotions. That is through microsoft paint... and also probably when I am drunk. Thus, I made this Valentines Day card. If you decide to use it on your loved ones. Please enclose a check for at least $2.50 and send it to me.

Much love,

Jeremy

Jeremy's guide to relationships you shouldn't be in. (Part 1)

I am currently working on my newest blog of advice. Jeremy's guide to relationships that you should not be in. That was in the subject of the blog so not sure why i re-typed that. Anyways.... I will break down what happens when you stick to a relationship that is pure torture. It happens to everyone, shit I stuck around in all of mine for way longer than i should have. I will also incorporate things to say to kill the relationship. Of course this will all be geared towards the man's point of view. But in all honesty I can't give it from the women's point of view. You guys are too fucking crazy to even try to put into words or even try to figure out what you are thinking. If I don't learn it from Maxim, I don't know how it works and Maxim has too many pictures for me to read everything.

World Cancer Day

Today is World Cancer day. It's a passion of mine to hate it. Too many people I have known have either passed away from it or have dealt with it in their lives, myself included. In light of the upcoming Superbowl and to put it in sport terms I have came up with the following.

• If cancer played in the NFL it would be Ray Lewis because it kills people and continues to play

Live Like You're Dying?

We hear this a lot. Whether it's in songs or movies or just somebody giving you advice. I don't like this saying at all. I mean i get the point. Treat each and every day like it's your last. Do we really need a reason to live though? Of course we do. Does it need to be death? Absolutely not. Now I understand this is not my normal blog topic, but for some reason I decided to blog about it today. Maybe it was because I have felt like death the past two days. Maybe it's because there have been times where I got news where I thought i was going to die before I was 25. My advice is plan and simple, Live like you're living. There are hundreds of things that are out there that are worth living for and the beauty of it is that it's different for everyone. So fucking go for it. Go balls out. You want to own your own business do it. You want to become a professional zookeeper more power to you. (Also if you are female and doing this call me) Here is a small list of 10 things I think are worth living for.

1. The sweet torque of a perfectly thrown ball: curve, foot-,bowling, it doesn't really matter.
   
2. Your favorite band's next tour. Why the hell didn't I go last time?
3. The new things: People, Places, Tastes, Profanities you have not tried like "Asshat", Gadgets, cars, and things that grab your imagination, even fleetingly, and make you want more.
   
4. The surprise of receiving something unsolicited from a woman.
5. Movies.
6. Sex.
   
7. Midsummer, when you can pretty much cook out every fucking day.
   
8. Novels that are 100 times better than the movie.
9. The morning after uninterrupted sleep.
10. Sticking around to stick it to your nay sayers (screw them!)
    

Office Shenanigans

Listen nobody really loves work. I know there are people out there who love their job. They are always like "man I love my job and what I do!" That's great for you. What is also great is now I know you are a fucking liar. Listen, you can just put up with your job a little more than most is all that means. You are telling me that if you won $1 billion dollars you would be like "oooh I love my job too much so I will continue to get up before 8 am everyday because I love work." Bullshit. Complete bullshit. That's why you have to try to somehow have fun at work and or laugh. Me and a co-worker do this by playing games. What games do you ask. Games like the art of convincing. This game we find somebody that barely knows us in the office and we have to convince them something about ourselves that is completely fabricated. For example, the new lady that now sits across the way from me thinks I was born in England but I have lived in Ohio long enough to where my accent is almost completely gone. I will throw a fake accent at her every once in a while to not let her forget, but I think the most genius thing is every day at 2 pm I get a cup of hot tea and tell her this is a tradition in my family. I know she is so confused and might not believe me at first. However, I have been pulling this for about 2 weeks now. So my persistent ass I think has her getting more convinced by the day. Now I just need to make her believe I drive a mini. I think that will be the nail in the coffin. Another game we play is called messing with the intern. We have an intern who is from UC. His name is Brendon. So obviously at first to mess with him we would call him Brandon everyday and still do. Then we just pull the basic office pranks on him daily though. Here is a list off the top of my head that I have done so far:

• Put highlighter on the lever of his office chair and raised his chair all the way up so he moved it down and got green highlighter all over himself
• Took a wheel of his chair and ironically hid it taped under his own desk because i knew he would completely search John and I's desk
• Put petroleum jelly on his stapler
• Put fishing line across his cube, almost got in trouble for that one. He thought it was a spider web and danced around like a little girl when he ran into it
• Put a small radio in the back corner under his desk with the volume barely on, so he swore he was hearing music somewhere. He found it about 3 hours into the day.
• Put a sign up by his cube saying "Please do not use the hallway." He was confused for at least 45 minutes on how to move in the building.

These are just some of the things we do to make the day go by a little faster. Every little bit helps. Oh, and if you just read this and thought that I am a complete asshole. You are probably not completely wrong when it comes to office shenanigans. :)

Whoops

I have been busy and have writer's block. Please tell me what animal you want me to draw to make up for me not blogging in quite some time. I have drawn the following animals:

• A dog
• A bunny
• A cat
• Ke$ha

Thanks,

Jeremy

Jeremy's Zodiac

Were you pissed that your zodiac sign changed for a day or just didn't get that it was only for the recently born? If so you are probably going to be pissed that I have changed all the signs to completely new things no matter when you were born. I will be posting the dates, signs, and horoscopes as soon as I can think of enough witty stuff. Just know it will be true and take it serious. Pretty sure the signs are going to be based off of celebrities. BOOM

PS - Since again this is not a real blog post but just a post telling you about an upcoming post, I have included a pic of a Panda sneezing so you can't be upset at me. AWWWWW panda sneeze. Suckers.

Man Points

So here is the initial list of how to gain a man point and lose man points. Here is the whole point. Every guy has a man card. You get to keep the man card until your points reach 0. You get a point for thing you do that is on the man list, and obviously lose a point for everything you do that is on the non-manly list. There are a lot more way to lose points than gain them. Otherwise, it would be too easy to be a man. This might be biased because i wrote them, but this is my blog and i am A MAN! This doesn't feel like a good blog entry to me for some reason, so leave feedback.

+1 MAN POINT

• Building something with your hands
• Drinking Goldschlager (biased)
• Screaming at the TV during sporting events
• Diving with sharks
• Shotgunning a beer
• Having a movie theater in your house
• Owning a dog
• Sharpening a pencil with a knife
• Belching loudly around friends
• Going to the gun range
• Watching Californication
• Having proper oral hygiene
• Bring flowers (extra point if followed by chocolate milk)

-1 MAN POINT

• Seeing Twilight without a girl you are trying to get with
• Owning only a cat without a girlfriend
• Asking for help in a supermarket
• If you have ever said OMG and not just Oh My God
• Singing along to any Katy Perry song
• Not paying when on a date
• Wearing a scarf in a season not named Winter
• Wearing a seashell necklace
• Ever saying "I just need to dance this off"
• Taking a picture in a mirror
• Throwing deuces (unless a joke)
• Attempting to be a hardass every minute of every day
• Not glancing into Victoria's Secret when walking by it in the mall
• Belching loudly on a date
• Own a woven belt that is 8 sizes to be and letting it hang in front like a damn squirrel tail

1,000 views

So this very mediocre blog got 1,000 views today. To celebrate I have drawn a picture of KeSha that I believe to be spot on. Much like the Mona Lisa. If she was on hallucinogenics, speed, and slept with Diddy. You're Welcome :) and thanks for reading.

Prepare for later today

"Man Points"

Definition :

• Points that one receives upon the completion of a distinctly manly task. More often than not, intelligent points and man points are inversely proportional. Ex: "Did Jeremy just try to do two back flips off the top of the houseboat and actually perform a backflop, 7 man points"
• Points received for doing stereotypical macho actions like starting a fight with a professional boxer, taunting someone to throw a dart at your face, watching Californication over and over, or holding a scorching object in your hand for an extended period of time
• Points Thou Shalt Recive From the Almighty Man Lord (Sean Connery) for showing extreme Manlyness and loyalty to the Ancient Man Code
• Wearing tough, manly, "southside" clothing. Ex: Chris wore his pink collar up, which relieved him of any man points in our eyes.
• Points awarded to men by girls when they complete a task that is manly, but not necesarily macho, a quality action that is both honorable and distictly masculine. Ex: "That guy just opened the door for Sara, he gets 5 man points"

Mother Matchmaker

Let me start off by saying I love my mother. Am I a momma's boy though? Absolutely not. If I was I would have already fallen into the trap that is my Mother trying to play matchmaker. She lives in Chicago and I live in Cincinnati. There is the first challenge she has to hurdle, but that does not even phase this woman. I know for a fact that she thinks I am doing something wrong because I am 27 and single. So she feels the motherly need to step in and introduce me to the woman of my dreams. Little does she know that I am pretty sure being 27 and single is my own doing. I mean I am not going to lie I can be weird. For fuck sake look at this blog. But that is me, love it or hate it. Also I don't think I have a decent filter for social situations, and god forbid I have been drinking, because nothing is going to stop me at that point. I just use the excuse of "everyone was thinking it and I just said it." Also, I don't really talk to my mom about relationships. This is just because the minute I mention a girl, she thinks she is getting grandchildren within 2 years and a wedding. Insane I tell you. Now this all stemmed from a voicemail I got from my mom around 2:30 yesterday while I was at work. Here is the actually message she left:

Hey Jeremy this is your mother. Listen I am here at the dog park with Delilah and there is a really nice woman here with her dog. She is 34 and very sweet. I am going to tell her about you. Then there is about a 5 second pause You like girls with tattoos right? Alright I will talk to you later. Love ya.

What the hell just happened? How did this call even come about? How the fuck did she know she was 34 and had tattoos? These questions immediately went through my mind. Then the answer hit me. My mom talked to her asked these things, probably told some lies about me and then went over in the corner of the dog park and called me. All while probably staring at this woman. I guarantee she didn't ask if she was married. She might of looked for a ring, but that doesn't mean anything at a dog park. All I know from all of this is one simple thing. If you want to be good enough for her son to date in her eyes. You just have to love dogs and maybe go to the dog park. That's it. That is good enough for her. Apparently it doesn't hurt if you have tattoos either in her mind. Which I give her props for that one!

New post

This is a post to let you know I will be posting here soon (yep I am that much of a dick). The subject will be "The Man Card" and it's something that me and a friend discuss at work with a point system and everything. When you go below 0 you lose it. In order to make up for my lack of blogging here is a Paint pic. It's of a bunny so you can't get mad at me. Also there is Pine-Sol and that is just damn funny to me because of recent conversations.