Time to spoon your ass

Most people get guns for protection from intruders in their house. Some, just have knives in the kitchen. But, if you really want to be a badass and let robbers know not to fuck with you, you fashion your own weapons. One weapon of choice is obviously the sharpened wooden spoon. Nothing says get the hell out of my house like this weapon. Not only does he have to worry about that stabbing him, but also splinters and whatever you stirred with it the day before. Can you imagine getting stabbed with splinters and then having last night's chili going into the wound. Yeah, it is the ultimate demise. Obviously to make this weapon takes determination, time, and a sick sense of old fashion weaponry.

Halloween Costume

Short post today:

But go ahead and take a guess in the comments who I am for Halloween and what movie it is from. It was put together in 5 minutes and cost me less that $20. FYI the wiffle ball bat i will be carrying around will be used to drink beer out of.

T-days

So in order to make this blog more consitant in nature, I have decided to post every Tuesday and Thursday. Some posts might contain little content and some posts might contain a lot of content. Just depends on what crazy shit is going on that week. If I disappoint you... tough shit, the blog is about my life in paint not yours jackass.

The Outcomes

Scenario 1: You meet this hot person while you are out with friends, but you just got there and are completely sober and more shy than an albino. (I see albinos as very shy people). Therefore, you decide the only way to ask this girl out is to get completely hammered. That way, even if she says no, you are going to not even remember and still sing Piano Man like it is your god damn job! So good luck, down your Goldschlager and chase it with that Octoberfest because this person is not going anywhere without you at least asking her out.

OUTCOME: So you make good on your getting hammered promise. You constantly slam Goldschlager and Octoberfest the majority of the night whilst keeping him or her within eye fucking distance at all times. You become crazy social, you actually request J-Kwon "Tipsy" and sing all the words while dancing up on people you don't know. Girl or Guy you want to get with sees this, if it is a girl she gets kind of grossed out with your gyrating and rubbing your denim on anything that has boobs. If it is a guy who sees this he is instantly attracted to you because you look like "fun." What you don't know is that Goldschlager and Octoberfest mixed with dancing like an idiot will cause you to black out faster than a bulimic girl who is pounding 151. You wake up 6 hours later. Your pants are gone and there is not a single person around you as you are sleeping on the dryer. You later find out that you made out with a 15 year old and then pissed yourself. But don't worry you decided to do your laundry there and threw your jeans in the dryer. Then proceeded to go night night right on top of it, alone.

Scenario 2: You get to know this person, you figure out what they like to do and where they like to hang out. Then you make your self noticeable. You go buy new clothes, you get a haircut, you borrow a friend's puppy, and you actually workout a week before you know you are going to "run into" them. Then after you have their whole schedule you start going to these places too, and you pretend you like the things they like. Then the day she says something to you, you spark a wonderful conversation and at the end cap it off with the whole "would you like to get some coffee?"

OUTCOME: You have done your research good job. The puppy idea, fucking genius. If this girl doesn't like puppies, she is a no go anyways. So because of all the "coincidences" or as I like to refer to it as "smalking" or smart stalking you get her to go get some coffee. So you go to some low key coffee shop or maybe even a starbucks and get yourself a white chocolate mocha. Then after you have to go to the bathroom 3 times you get back to your date. You guys hit it off and strike a wonderful conversation and set up future dates. You then move in together. You accidentally get her pregnant even though that bitch said she was on the pill. So you get engaged and then married when she is like 6 months pregnant. You live your life and have 2 kids. Did you just catch that last part? You have 2 kids. Worst. Outcome. Ever. You lose in all aspects of life.

Scenario 3: You go out with someone that you like, you both drink to much however you don't know whether they are into you. So you play it smooth the whole night, then the night ends before you know it because you are fucking whiskey drunk and leave your separate ways. You are instantly like what the hell, get pissed at yourself for not asking, therefore you text her out at 2:30 in the morning as you are peeing in an alley.

OUTCOME: You wake up in the same alley you just pissed in. Wait, let me rephrase that. You wake up in the same alley you just pissed in covered in your own piss. There we go. You, then realize that you may or may not of texted the girl you wanted to ask out. So you check your phone. Nothing in the Inbox. You then wonder if you even sent anything. You check your sent messages and that is when you see it. The text that pretty much ended anything before it started. "Hey its jEreemy from tongith remember we danced together and you told me I was funny.. Jsut wanted to see whtat you are doign tonight and if you wanted to ceom over and watch the Notebook tobether. IF nto it is cool, you smelled amazign tognith call me." Nicely played. Game over.

The art of the "ask out"

We have all been there. You like somebody but have no idea how they perceive your ass. It probably doesn't help that you are wearing more Ed Hardy shit than a Jersey Shore convention held at Brett Michaels' house. However, if you are wearing normal clothing that cost under $350, it is one of the hardest flip floppest (yes floppest) things you will have to do. Here is what happens, in my case, you see a girl you want to ask out or for a girl a guy to ask out, or in my head a girl for a girl to ask out, whatever you know. This seems to be the craziest hardest part of the whole ordeal. I mean honestly nobody wants to be rejected like Glen Beck at a "I'm not a whiny pussy who thinks people actually like him" convention. It sucks and it has probably happened to most of us, especially this guy. That is why I am going to help you find the path to asking someone out with..... wait for it...... Jeremy's choose your own adventure, ask somebody out amazingness. So I am going to give you three scenarios of asking someone out, you all pick one and vote (voting is in the upper right corner of the page) then I will post what happens with each selection. Why do I get to decide what happens? Well first it's my fucking blog you jerk! Why would you even ask that? The second reason is because I may or may not have already done all of these. I will let you decide :) Also, keep in mind that this is based of the fact that this person already has some clue who you are to an extent. I say this to try to tone down the creepiness in the scenarios, pretty sure you are not falling for that though. You are bright. I mean come on you are reading my blog, you have to be.

Scenario 1: You meet this hot person while you are out with friends, but you just got there and are completely sober and more shy than an albino. (I see albinos as very shy people). Therefore, you decide the only way to ask this girl out is to get completely hammered. That way, even if she says no, you are going to not even remember and still sing Piano Man like it is your god damn job! So good luck, down your Goldschlager and chase it with that Octoberfest because this person is not going anywhere without you at least asking her out.

Scenario 2: You get to know this person, you figure out what they like to do and where they like to hang out. Then you make your self noticeable. You go buy new clothes, you get a haircut, you borrow a friend's puppy, and you actually workout a week before you know you are going to "run into" them. Then after you have their whole schedule you start going to these places too, and you pretend you like the things they like. Then the day she says something to you, you spark a wonderful conversation and at the end cap it off with the whole "would you like to get some coffee?"

Scenario 3: You go out with someone that you like, you both drink to much however you don't know whether they are into you. So you play it smooth the whole night, then the night ends before you know it because you are fucking whiskey drunk and leave your separate ways. You are instantly like what the hell, get pissed at yourself for not asking, therefore you text her out at 2:30 in the morning as you are peeing in an alley.

Liar

I lied about having it up today. My bad. Much love.

~Jeremy D.

Procrastination is the name of my game

I am seriously shooting for tomorrow to get part 1 up. I have been busy with the baseball and whatnot. If it is not up tomorrow feel free to send me an e-mail and complain at Idontgive2shits@gmail.com or write a strongly worded letter and place it somewhere on the fountain at fountain square and I will have my associate pick it up.

How to ask somebody out, from a guy who never does it.

Since I like to do things completely backwards I have decided to stay on the whole dating and relationship topic (because I am now an expert) and talk about asking somebody out on a date. This might sound sort of boring and similar to previous posts, but there is going to be a little twist. It's going to be a choose your own adventure post. You fucking remember those books? They were awesome. They were like, "If you choose to go down the hallway where the ghosts live turn to page 86, however if you wish to go to the master bedroom and attempt relations with the princess turn to page 101." Mine is going to be similar except I will give you three options, which will be explained in detail and hopefully funny, on your strategy to ask somebody out. Then the next blog with be explaining what will happen with each scenario based on my expertise on the subject matter. In other words, do not take this seriously. Hopefully you will select the correct way to ask, but I pretty sure each scenario will have something wrong with it so good luck.

Company Picnic

So my companies picnic was this past weekend at Kings Island. It is usually nice because there is free food and beer. Thus, I was there. I mean fried chicken, pulled pork, Budweiser, and roller coasters go together. That is just a fact. There is no way you would ever feel sick combining all those things. Thankfully, I am a badass so I could combine those things and be fine. There was just one element that was added that really jacked up my world. The weather. When we first got there, the weather was not that bad. I mean it was chilly and there was overcast but that was it, there was no rain. I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt which I thought was plenty. But this is Jeremy we are talking about here. I have the same luck as that chick in the amazing race that took a miniature watermelon to the face. While there I only went on 2 roller coasters because the lines were long we were passing time at other places waiting for the rain to start. If you have ever been to Kings Island you will probably be able to recognize the two rides I went on. The beast and the diamondback. Each ride took about an hour to get on, which is not to bad with all the fucking people that were everywhere. But each god damn time I finally go on the ride it would start to pour when we were going up the first hill. FML. It was so cold, I mean it really helped that The Beast is the longest fucking wooden roller coaster in the world and I only got soaked for like 5 minutes or the duration of that fucker. Then the Diamondback did the same fucking thing except it goes 80 miles per hour so the rain felt like BB's hitting me in the god damn face. Needless to say, I can now say I have officially been on a roller coaster while maintaining the fetal position. I mostly used my hands to cover my eyes. People saw the pictures after the ride and laughed. Therefore, I am happy.