Office Shenanigans

Listen nobody really loves work. I know there are people out there who love their job. They are always like "man I love my job and what I do!" That's great for you. What is also great is now I know you are a fucking liar. Listen, you can just put up with your job a little more than most is all that means. You are telling me that if you won $1 billion dollars you would be like "oooh I love my job too much so I will continue to get up before 8 am everyday because I love work." Bullshit. Complete bullshit. That's why you have to try to somehow have fun at work and or laugh. Me and a co-worker do this by playing games. What games do you ask. Games like the art of convincing. This game we find somebody that barely knows us in the office and we have to convince them something about ourselves that is completely fabricated. For example, the new lady that now sits across the way from me thinks I was born in England but I have lived in Ohio long enough to where my accent is almost completely gone. I will throw a fake accent at her every once in a while to not let her forget, but I think the most genius thing is every day at 2 pm I get a cup of hot tea and tell her this is a tradition in my family. I know she is so confused and might not believe me at first. However, I have been pulling this for about 2 weeks now. So my persistent ass I think has her getting more convinced by the day. Now I just need to make her believe I drive a mini. I think that will be the nail in the coffin. Another game we play is called messing with the intern. We have an intern who is from UC. His name is Brendon. So obviously at first to mess with him we would call him Brandon everyday and still do. Then we just pull the basic office pranks on him daily though. Here is a list off the top of my head that I have done so far:

• Put highlighter on the lever of his office chair and raised his chair all the way up so he moved it down and got green highlighter all over himself
• Took a wheel of his chair and ironically hid it taped under his own desk because i knew he would completely search John and I's desk
• Put petroleum jelly on his stapler
• Put fishing line across his cube, almost got in trouble for that one. He thought it was a spider web and danced around like a little girl when he ran into it
• Put a small radio in the back corner under his desk with the volume barely on, so he swore he was hearing music somewhere. He found it about 3 hours into the day.
• Put a sign up by his cube saying "Please do not use the hallway." He was confused for at least 45 minutes on how to move in the building.

These are just some of the things we do to make the day go by a little faster. Every little bit helps. Oh, and if you just read this and thought that I am a complete asshole. You are probably not completely wrong when it comes to office shenanigans. :)

Whoops

I have been busy and have writer's block. Please tell me what animal you want me to draw to make up for me not blogging in quite some time. I have drawn the following animals:

• A dog
• A bunny
• A cat
• Ke$ha

Thanks,

Jeremy

Jeremy's Zodiac

Were you pissed that your zodiac sign changed for a day or just didn't get that it was only for the recently born? If so you are probably going to be pissed that I have changed all the signs to completely new things no matter when you were born. I will be posting the dates, signs, and horoscopes as soon as I can think of enough witty stuff. Just know it will be true and take it serious. Pretty sure the signs are going to be based off of celebrities. BOOM

PS - Since again this is not a real blog post but just a post telling you about an upcoming post, I have included a pic of a Panda sneezing so you can't be upset at me. AWWWWW panda sneeze. Suckers.

Man Points

So here is the initial list of how to gain a man point and lose man points. Here is the whole point. Every guy has a man card. You get to keep the man card until your points reach 0. You get a point for thing you do that is on the man list, and obviously lose a point for everything you do that is on the non-manly list. There are a lot more way to lose points than gain them. Otherwise, it would be too easy to be a man. This might be biased because i wrote them, but this is my blog and i am A MAN! This doesn't feel like a good blog entry to me for some reason, so leave feedback.

+1 MAN POINT

• Building something with your hands
• Drinking Goldschlager (biased)
• Screaming at the TV during sporting events
• Diving with sharks
• Shotgunning a beer
• Having a movie theater in your house
• Owning a dog
• Sharpening a pencil with a knife
• Belching loudly around friends
• Going to the gun range
• Watching Californication
• Having proper oral hygiene
• Bring flowers (extra point if followed by chocolate milk)

-1 MAN POINT

• Seeing Twilight without a girl you are trying to get with
• Owning only a cat without a girlfriend
• Asking for help in a supermarket
• If you have ever said OMG and not just Oh My God
• Singing along to any Katy Perry song
• Not paying when on a date
• Wearing a scarf in a season not named Winter
• Wearing a seashell necklace
• Ever saying "I just need to dance this off"
• Taking a picture in a mirror
• Throwing deuces (unless a joke)
• Attempting to be a hardass every minute of every day
• Not glancing into Victoria's Secret when walking by it in the mall
• Belching loudly on a date
• Own a woven belt that is 8 sizes to be and letting it hang in front like a damn squirrel tail

1,000 views

So this very mediocre blog got 1,000 views today. To celebrate I have drawn a picture of KeSha that I believe to be spot on. Much like the Mona Lisa. If she was on hallucinogenics, speed, and slept with Diddy. You're Welcome :) and thanks for reading.

Prepare for later today

"Man Points"

Definition :

• Points that one receives upon the completion of a distinctly manly task. More often than not, intelligent points and man points are inversely proportional. Ex: "Did Jeremy just try to do two back flips off the top of the houseboat and actually perform a backflop, 7 man points"
• Points received for doing stereotypical macho actions like starting a fight with a professional boxer, taunting someone to throw a dart at your face, watching Californication over and over, or holding a scorching object in your hand for an extended period of time
• Points Thou Shalt Recive From the Almighty Man Lord (Sean Connery) for showing extreme Manlyness and loyalty to the Ancient Man Code
• Wearing tough, manly, "southside" clothing. Ex: Chris wore his pink collar up, which relieved him of any man points in our eyes.
• Points awarded to men by girls when they complete a task that is manly, but not necesarily macho, a quality action that is both honorable and distictly masculine. Ex: "That guy just opened the door for Sara, he gets 5 man points"

Mother Matchmaker

Let me start off by saying I love my mother. Am I a momma's boy though? Absolutely not. If I was I would have already fallen into the trap that is my Mother trying to play matchmaker. She lives in Chicago and I live in Cincinnati. There is the first challenge she has to hurdle, but that does not even phase this woman. I know for a fact that she thinks I am doing something wrong because I am 27 and single. So she feels the motherly need to step in and introduce me to the woman of my dreams. Little does she know that I am pretty sure being 27 and single is my own doing. I mean I am not going to lie I can be weird. For fuck sake look at this blog. But that is me, love it or hate it. Also I don't think I have a decent filter for social situations, and god forbid I have been drinking, because nothing is going to stop me at that point. I just use the excuse of "everyone was thinking it and I just said it." Also, I don't really talk to my mom about relationships. This is just because the minute I mention a girl, she thinks she is getting grandchildren within 2 years and a wedding. Insane I tell you. Now this all stemmed from a voicemail I got from my mom around 2:30 yesterday while I was at work. Here is the actually message she left:

Hey Jeremy this is your mother. Listen I am here at the dog park with Delilah and there is a really nice woman here with her dog. She is 34 and very sweet. I am going to tell her about you. Then there is about a 5 second pause You like girls with tattoos right? Alright I will talk to you later. Love ya.

What the hell just happened? How did this call even come about? How the fuck did she know she was 34 and had tattoos? These questions immediately went through my mind. Then the answer hit me. My mom talked to her asked these things, probably told some lies about me and then went over in the corner of the dog park and called me. All while probably staring at this woman. I guarantee she didn't ask if she was married. She might of looked for a ring, but that doesn't mean anything at a dog park. All I know from all of this is one simple thing. If you want to be good enough for her son to date in her eyes. You just have to love dogs and maybe go to the dog park. That's it. That is good enough for her. Apparently it doesn't hurt if you have tattoos either in her mind. Which I give her props for that one!

New post

This is a post to let you know I will be posting here soon (yep I am that much of a dick). The subject will be "The Man Card" and it's something that me and a friend discuss at work with a point system and everything. When you go below 0 you lose it. In order to make up for my lack of blogging here is a Paint pic. It's of a bunny so you can't get mad at me. Also there is Pine-Sol and that is just damn funny to me because of recent conversations.