Incoming Message

Everyone is familiar with the site texts from last night. Just random people sending funny texts, some of which are so insanely ridiculous you have to laugh. There is only one time where my texts that I send make absolutely no sense to anyone other than myself. That is when I have been drinking way too much. This just happened to be the case this Friday. A co-worker was having a house warming party and we only invited a certain group of people who we knew would be ok with a little drinking. I still don't think most of them were ready for myself. I hardly have a filter now, get beer and liquor in me and I turn into Mr. Did he just fucking say that. I wanted the host to have a good time, he is pretty reserved. So i showed up with some Maker's Mark Whiskey. We took 3 shots within 5 minutes right off the bat. Then shit really went down when my friend tiffany brought a dual beer bong. Mind you I am 27 and not in college anymore. However, I was completely ready to race some bitches. First up ... Josh. Beat him got to keep going, I kept winning until the 8th bong in which Tiffany destroyed me because she is a freak of nature and I was more full than Lindsay Lohan after a bottle of water and some purging. Then the drunk texting commenced. Not only did I send texts I got some back that night and the next day. Here is just a sample of things that went out and came in with the exact grammar i used.

• No idea how i am fgetting home!
• Iqm so stupid
• U are whiskers
• Good dont be afraid then i ma jeremy not whiskers
• Snarl
• Mean.. you two are mean i am so norht
• Text from girl: How much have you drank? Response: U want that in cubic liters mom?
• Text from girl: You still want to go out Tuesday? Response: Not srue, busy weeknd with socccer and dollar beer but yeah sure
• Text from girl on the next day: Do you remember when I told you that I didn't like Jock Jams or G6? You asked me to stick out my hand, slapped it and said "No"

Moral of the story, I love sending drunk texts. If you don't get one odds are you will sooner or later. I have to have your number and think you're awesome though.

Helping Friends one straw at a time

I don't like to brag, it's just not my nature. On that note, I could be the best friend in the world. I think if you took Gandhi and Mandela and combined their friendship abilities they would equal mine. Obviously I might of took that too far. But i bet neither of them hydrated a drunk friend via a straw dropper of water like a bird. I even made the noises of a choo-choo train and airplane. I mean that is very caring and sensitive right? Man, that is totally going on to my online dating profile today. It will read the following: "Hello, my name is Jeremy. I like the zoo, hanging out with friends and warm destinations. I think I am funny, nice, and uber sensitive. This would all be demonstrated by my gently giving you water (the essence of life) through a straw dropper. Also, I like to party." I literally have no idea how i am still single, it baffles my mind. This blog might have something to do with that :) Whatever, craziness is the name of my game!

I'm old and you're naked

So when I visit my friends in Chicago we always have a good time. Especially when you can get all 4 of us together. We are all a little different but mesh together nicely. Crazy stuff usually ensues when we go out. For example: In college we were all arrested at least twice. Some incidents were more idiotic than others. I won't say which one of us broke a second story window and jumped out to avoid the cops breaking up a house party. Let's just say he was 21 and the cops just told us to turn the music down. Another one of us kicked over a stop sign and some how got it out of the ground and marched around with it in front of a police station. Then there is the water balloon launcher towards the apartment pool filled with sorority girls. Needless to say we had fun, but with that said none of us ended up naked at the end of the night, well at least not without a girl. BOOM. I just said that so it didn't make me sound like a loser. But that is what it looks like I missed this weekend. There was drinking of champagne (only the finest), pulling muscles doing Captain Morgan stances. Slapping people in the face... hard, and apparently getting puked on then decided to get naked and go to Meijer. I mean if you think about it, it really does make sense. If someone pukes on you but you have some shopping to do... shit... take it off and get the Gatorade and Pineapple you need. More power to you. All I know is that no matter what group of people I decide to hang out with on a weekend, I know it's going to be crazy, fun, and involve laughing. That is because those are the only fucking people I want to be around.

Bengals - Steelers MNF

So today at lunch we were talking about the upcoming Monday Night football game. If you don't know it is the Steelers vs. Bengals at Paul Brown. We of course got on the subject of Ben Roethlisberger. Lets just say most of the jokes were geared towards him trying to sleep with women and all that good stuff. Then it got to the point of him putting roofies in drinks and what not. It got out of control in a hurry between myself, John, and Alex like it always does and I love it. We figured out the game plan though. Everyone that is going to the Monday Night game must bring one cardboard cutout of an attractive woman. This will distract him immensely and he will just pitch the ball backwards and sprint into the stands and try to hump the cutout. It is a genius plan. Fool proof if you ask me. We just can't have him getting a hold of an actual woman. She would be tainted for life. Chad can tweet about it during the game so the world knows quickly. I really think this is my best idea since the time I decided to try to do a triple back flip off a bridge when I was a junior in high school. My spine still hurts. Bridge was not that high, so no worries :)