Damn you for being delicious

You have ruined my relationship with my co-workers because I won't share you. Now they all think I am a dick. Not cool. I am only a dick like 75% of the time. Not 100% of the time like you make me out to be!

"Jeremy's Chivalry - Part Trois" Second Date Sexiness

Well, I figured I should probably finally write the 3rd and final part to Jeremy's Chivalry. I know all 3 maybe 4 people who look at this blog will be sad to see this subject come to an end. However, I am sure the topic will come up numerous times in the future. Dating is too funny to me not to randomly post about it. I am absolutely horrible at it and it cracks me up. I have to laugh at myself and my dating because if i didn't I would be a hermit and one hell of a World of Warcraft player. This edition is called Part Trios "Second date sexiness" but I think it applies to any date or social situation. I mean come on if you are going to pull one of these do not's it is not going to matter whether it is date 1 or you are fucking engaged. He or she will judge your ass. Also, I am not going to post what to do on dates. If you haven't figured out that all you have to do is stay away from the do not's then give up your damn man card and become a priest because you shouldn't be dating. However, if you do become a priest I guess I should list little boys as one of the do not's. Hey, I am not the one suing the Pope. Ok now the latest and greatest list of things not to do on a date. If you have done one of these things good luck with your 4 Gigs of porn on your PC because you are going to be alone for quite some time.

1. Don't throw firecrackers under the seat of your date's canoe. - I know what you are thinking, what the hell. I thought this one deserved to be the first on the list. There is plenty wrong with this on a date, but what gets me the most is the fact the dude had to plan this shit out. He had to be like "hmmm maybe I should bring this firecracker and lighter on our canoe trip," because nothing says lets go back to my place like 2nd degree burns on her legs and a semi heart attack on a fucking canoe.

2. Packing a 40 for the movies and not sharing. - Listen, nicely played with the 40 idea to the movies. If the girl you are dating is insulted or is not impressed with you bringing 40 ounces of beer to a theatrical showing. Get out immediately. That is my opinion at least. However, if you are going to bring Colt 45 and not share with the lady you are a selfish prick. Odds are you are going to end up puking in the popcorn bucket alone.

3. If you have to cancel the date make up a decent excuse. - Women can smell bullshit when they see it and they can also smell fear. So if you have to miss a date for some reason think of something she might not question. For example you have the flu. She is not going to be like do you really and still want to see you. She is going to be like stay the fuck away from me for at least a week. Do not use some fucking excuse like the following (based on a true story) I am restringing my stick. What?! What does that even mean, what kind of stick needs restringing? Are you a fucking avid tennis player, because if you are not fucking facing Federer that night then don't use that fucking excuse you dipshit.

4. Don't ask a girl what she thinks of you 10 seconds after the date - Date goes great and you both are going your separate ways after a wonderful night. Then here comes a random text to her. "Hey so what did you think of me between 1 - 10, you were totally a 10." Right there you made yourself start at a 5 because you are a douchbag and not a man to start off with. Then she will think about the question and be like I can still see the back of your fucking head because we have only be walking away from each other for a couple seconds. Then you will probably give a creepy glance over your left shoulder. That is when she will realize you are now a 3 and you will never hear from her again. Nice job stud.

5. Say you are a gentleman then instantly contradict it with your actions - If the date goes great and you feel it's right go for the kiss at the end of the night, worst case scenario she denies and you know where you stand. Don't tell her that you don't kiss or something on the first date because you are a gentleman and then go off and do something that will make her question men in general. For example saying you are a gentlemen then going home and making a "home movie" for her via your iPhone or some shit. I don't care how many scarves you are using, you are not a man. You are now Buffalo Bill status from Silence of the Lambs. You might as well tuck your sack back and dress up like a pretty pretty woman.

As always thanks for reading and hopefully if you are like me you have only done like 3 of the 5 things. I mean that is only 60%, that is not bad. She should forgive you.... right?

Best time for Turkey

You know what is the best time for Turkey... god damn 9:30 pm bitches.

This can't stop

Prepare for "Jeremy's Chivalry - Part Trois" Second Date Sexiness

*The opinions of this blog do not represent the opinions of all men, especially Ben Roethlisberger. If it did the blog would be called Jeremy's guide to harassment.

COMING SOON

Jeremy's Chivalry - Part Deux (Jeremy's Guide to Dinner Dates)

Ah, welcome back to this two part informational series on my take of chivalry. The first part was just my rambling on the whole wooing of the women. Now the second part is my fool proof guide to the 1st Dinner date. I will discuss things you should do and things you should never do. Also thanks to some for giving me don'ts whether you meant to or not :)

DO's :

Let her order first - In all circumstances, doesn't matter if you've been in the Sahara desert for 50 years and haven't had a meal in that long - let her order first in a restaurant. Let's face it, all girls are rabid wolverines when it comes to food. I've seen the smallest girls eat the same amount a village in Papua, New Guinea eats. So let her order first so you know exactly how much all of it will end up - that way you can gauge if you should hold back on your order, or order to your hearts content as well.

Time Your eating - Try not to finish before her, cause then it leaves that weird awkward moment where you end up staring at her like George McFly in a tree. Remember the first one. Girls are wolverines. You got that? Girls = wolverines. So once they're done eating, many will still be hungry. And have you ever hung out with a hungry wolverine? It's not fun. They get all snappy and start mini-riots. They start scratching and biting body parts. It just ain't pretty. Better to have some extra food on your plate

Pay for the meal - Don't sit there and fight about it, take charge like a man and don't try to hide it either when it comes, as if you're smuggling drugs. Don't stare at the bill either, that way she won't see the blood leaving your face as you turn white and contemplate whether or not you should steal some silverware and sell it on eBay to pay for the $200 bill.

Standing - Anytime she excuses herself to the restroom, or where ever, stand up too. Just half stand up. I noticed that this one is a bit hard to pull off as a natural move, so to help this, you can just ask a simple question while doing it, to diffuse the attention. Ask if they want more wine or something, that way they'll concentrate on the question more than the fact that you're half-standing up like a constipated monkey. This also gives you chance to adjust the tight dress pants you bought from Banana Republic for this date.

DO NOTS :

Too much drinking - Wine, champagne, beer never chug as it comes, and definitely do not drink out of the bottle. No matter what. Even if your pinky is out. Of course there is nothing wrong with having a couple of drinks at dinner. That is absolutely normal. Also, when you do raise your glass, say a little something before you take your first sip. Can't think of anything? No problem. Just say "World peace." Otherwise, toast to a nice part of your date so far. Also, never tell the girl you think she might be drinking too much or have a "problem" this is highly frowned upon.

Bring up previous dates - Why, why would you do this. People do this I guess to break the silence or have a subject to talk about but really? If anyone is remotely interested in you, the last thing they want to hear about is you on other dates. Even if the stories are all about bad dates, don't do it. If you start a story by saying "Man, this last date I was on was horrible, he started to smoke after we had sex, and I am allergic to smoke" I am getting out of there faster than George Bush at a respected library.

Go to the bathroom for too long - What the hell are you doing in the bathroom for 15 minutes? Have you called your friends to tell them what a horrible date this has become. Did you fucking go out the bathroom window? Did you just throw up your dinner so you don't have to go to the gym. My mind is going to race and think about what the hell you are doing in there. Then we all know what the last thought is... poopin, and that just ruins the magic of the evening.

Eating like a primate - If you can't eat like a normal damn person, then don't take her out to eat you jackass. Chew with your mouth closed, use the fucking napkin, and for god sakes man use your fucking utensils. I have heard a story of someone using their thumb to scope food onto a fork to eat. Nice move, because now she would love to have some of your scallop thumb running through her hair. Ass.

Texting - What the fuck are you doing.... seriously. That is all.

Not dressing the part - I don't give a fuck if they are Sean Jean sweatpants. They are sweatpants. Also, are you wearing fucking Reeboks?

Going dutch - Listen some might think this is perfectly fine, and it could be, but if you are going to have the balls to actually ask her out to dinner pay for it. Never discuss going dutch even before this 1st date is planned.

Random creepy questions - Seriously, think of things to talk about before the actually date. I mean you can wing it a little but know what she wants to talk about. Don't ask right off the bat what kind of under garments she is wearing. It is a no win situation, she is either going to be like what the fuck, or she is going to tell you. In the later case, she has herpes ... 100%. If you really think this is necessary wear a fucking name tag that says something along the lines of "Hey my name is Jeremy... whitey tighties"

Jeremy's Chivalry - Part Une (basics)

Alright, these blogs posts are going to be long so get ready. There is just so much to talk about with this subject. Let's first break down this word "Chivalry." Chivalry is a term related to the medieval institution of knighthood, which has a military provenance of individual training and service to others. It is usually associated with ideals of knightly virtues, honor and courtly love. The work is derived from the French word “chevalerie” itself derived from “chevalier”, which means knight, derived from “cheval”, horse (indicating one who rides a horse). Ok, was that too much for everyone out there? Let me break that down to what I got from it which is probably 99% accurate. Fucking knights on horses practiced this shit, so you know it is good. Have you seen the movie A Knight's Tale with Heath Ledger (RIP). There was phenomenal courtship and chivalry all up in that movie. The fact of the matter is you don't have to be a fucking knight or own a horse in order to do this (horse would be legit though). I might be a little boastful here but most of this seems like common sense to me, but then again, not many people have common fucking sense anymore. Don't get me wrong, 80% of the population has probably dated more people than I have. My relationships have been long term in nature. Not my fault, I am just a fucking blast to be around for at least 2 years that is. After two years I lose my knighthood apparently and get off my horse. Hey after two years for straddling a horse you would get off too. Boom. But there are just certain things you do when out with a lady and certain things you don't do. Everyone hears the horror stories, but it is a little deeper than that. Remember we are talking about women here. Whether we want to admit to it or not, we are trying everyday to get with them. Just some of us fuck it up more than others. This picture pretty much sums up how we should act based on the definition of Chivalry.

Chivalry tactic knowledge

This is just a teaser post for my next epic blog post. I will blog a 2 part series giving you all my knowledge on chivalry tactics. There will be ups and downs along this journey. Things that will ask you why texting was invented and things making you ask why you were invented. But all in all, my goal is to make you learn something new. Something that I know that will probably get you the best person compatible for you. Ok, last part was a lie or was it? Boom. The ball is in your court bitches.

Happiness scale

So, somebody asked me the other day what makes me happy. There is a shit ton of things that make me happy. But I had a hard time explaining it like I do with most subjects that do not pertain to sports. So I made the Jeremy happiness scale. This is just a rough draft of this scale. There could be so much more, but I think I hit the main points. More to come on this subject so I can respond to the person who asked me this with at least a 3 page paper front and back in 8 point font.