Bermuda Triangle of dating

So sometimes it is hard to try to think of a first date idea. If you are like me and only go on first dates because either the girl doesn't work out, is not into you, or according to your parents you are doing something wrong and/or weird. So you want to try to switch it up. I am not going to lie, I think i am pretty good at first dates. I have gone all out and I have gone very relaxed and chill before on a first date. There is one thing I won't do though and it has even been brought to my attention by women. The first date will never be let's just grab some coffee. You see that shit all the time in the movies and on TV (Friends). The guy sees an attractive girl walks up to her and is like "Hey, can I buy you a cup of coffee sometime." But I hear. "Hello, I have no idea what you are like, but I want to make this first date with you pretty boring giving myself no shot to get you into bed tonight." I mean come on taking someone for a cup of coffee on the first date is the bermuda triangle of sex. The odds of you getting that girl to come home with you after some pumpkin spice coffee from Starbucks is about the same odds of a Bengal player not getting arrested in the next year. Granted I know it has probably happened before minus the Bengal player not getting arrested. But probably only once and I am just going to assume the girl was either already drunk and wanted the coffee to sober up or both were in a dry spell for 6+ months. Only two ways. Trust me it's science. So next time you decide to ask a girl out ask her if she wants to grab a drink, if she says how about some coffee.... pack the Kahlua.

The MLT's girl

So I went on a date last week but I think I need to start with how this date developed for you to really get this picture. I play co-rec softball on Wednesday's and we usually grab a beer or two either before the game or after because you get beer tickets. So the bar that these beer tickets are good for is called Mount Lookout Tavern or MLT's but i think is also known as ML-Dudes because it is known to be frequented by a lot of guys. But anyway I was there with my team and we were just having a good time when i decided to head down to the bar and get another pitcher of beer with our other ticket. When i went down i found an opening at the bar to request my free pitcher of Coors light. That's when the girl next to me whispered "help me." When i first heard this I was like who said that and if it's a ghost fuck my life... I hate ghosts. Instead of me having a six sense it was the girl next to me who was wearing a nice black and white dress. So naturally I looked at her and said "What?" That's when she explained how she was on a horrible date and he went to the bathroom. Now how she thought i was going to help her beats me. I guess if after this weekend I could have rescued her from her date by showing my medal i got from the Urbanathlon and yelled come with me Miss there are puppies in trees that are on fire that need rescuing and I need you to hold the wicker basket as I toss them in.  (Joke from the weekend) However, this medal did not exist yet so I was just like not sure how i can help you. That's when she said well you can take me on a real date. Which was true. Who the fuck takes a date to MLT's? I have that about equal to someone taking their 1st date to their colonoscopy appointment. Just not a good impression, but who am I to judge. Anyways we exchanged numbers and she texted me the next day before I could even text her asking when we were going out. So I set up a date and we headed to Cock and Bull in Covington to have a beer. While there I wasn't nervous or anything and was just my crazy self making jokes that are probably inappropriate for a first date. But guess what, if you can't handle it a little on the first date it's not going to work out because I am not going to change from my witty banter self. When I went to the bathroom for the 1st time though I was like... I wonder what the hell she is thinking. Is she whispering to some other dude and being like save me? Is that her line to pick up a different dude each time. If so, oh well. At least I not like fully committed to this girl and this is our 5th date or something. Shit I haven't made it past like a 3rd date since my ex from college. We chatted for a good two hours and I thought things went well. She laughed and snorted which I take as a good sign. Forget what I was talking about but i am pretty sure it was about how I feel like i am the most coordinated clumsy guy I know. After the night was over I walked her to her car she gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and we parted. Better than a handshake I guess. She texted me late that night as well to tell me how funny I was and how this was the funnest 1st date she has been on (EGO BOOST 1) So, of course was like well we should get together again. No response. I was like ok maybe she went to bed. Well she got my e-mail from friending me on facebook I guess because I got an e-mail from her 2 days later stating the following "I had a great time with you, however I think our personalities clash too much to be romantically involved." then the rest was like yada yada yada excuse... let's be friends you know the typical. (EGO CRUSH 1) I responded with alright. Well it was nice to meet you. Then trying to figure out what flaw in my personality causes this. Finally after thinking about that for 3.2 seconds I was like wait. I have a fucking amazing personality. Shit, I won best personality my senior year in high school. I like my sense of humor. So at this point I knew this girl was fucking nuts and moved on. Then came this weekend. The crazy bitch sent me another e-mail saying sorry and she really did have a lot of fun and thinks she jumped to conclusions to early about our "clashing." She wanted to go out again. Of course I responded no and that her first instinct was probably the right one. Our personalities did clash. Mine is fucking awesome and yours sucked balls. (EGO BOOST 2) :)

Last 3 months

So I have not posted on this blog in sometime. Well that is going to change. I have about 3 months to catch up on and that is what I am going to do. I tried to capture the last 3 months in a paint picture of course. This is what came out of that. I think this is what a cluster-fuck would look like if it existed. But this can also stand for what your world looks like if you actually fuck Ke$ha. Guess you will have to wait and see which it is, or it could be both.

Dependent spiral of flaketon (best title ever?)

Alright I don't even know how to explain this whirlwind of a story about the last couple weeks. It has def. been crazy and I have learned a lot. Probably too much. It all started when I got my company tickets to the reds game. The seats are pretty sweet. First row behind the visitors dugout in which you can yell things at them. For example "Hey number 34, your baseball skillz are less than mediocre." Anyways everything can be expensed to my AMEX. So we hit up bars before the game and grab a plethora of beers during as well. At this point I am about 8 beers into the game. When my client has to leave during the 5th inning because he had to watch his little girls while his wife went out for something. So i WAS going to stay till the end then sit in the fountain square parking garage and sober up or meet up with a friend I knew from work as well to chill downtown. Then i got the text from a girl who I use to be pretty interested in but since started to figure out that she might have been the most dependent person I have ever met in my life. She literally just moved out of her parents house and into an apartment right down the street from me. She was at the game too with some friends. She asked where i was sitting and then said I had an empty seat. So she came down and we drank more and chatted and I am pretty pissed because she got a foul ball and a towel. I got shit. Apparently if you are a semi-attractive girl in the front row you can ask for balls from the players and they will just hand them up. Sexiest bastards. So game was over and we were both hammered. So we decided to go back to her place after the game. Got back there around 10:30. The game ended quickly. While at her place I then realized the crazy dependencies is all i am going to say. We watched some movie that I have no idea what is was about. It had Uma Thurman in it and it was not Kill Bill. We went back to get my car at 2 am from the garage. Which was stupid should have just left it there till the morning. I did pull a pretty dick move in my book, in which in the middle of the night I discussed how I was not looking for a relationship. Who the fuck does that at like 1:30 am... apparently I do when I am drunk. But i have had to state it before so I thought I needed to slam the message home with a after activity message. I'm a dick. I knew I was staying home from work. Got my car went back there and stayed there for the rest of the night till my phone alarm went off at 7am, in which i gladly yelled at it to fuck off and went back to bed. I left her place around 9 and thought about the whirlwind of what might happen. Granted this girl is attractive to me... physically. On a mental level we are no where close. She once tried to tell me she is a commitment phobe. I don't buy that excuse but whatever. So since then communication has definitely picked up. I mean what to do? I think I know what i should do, but i hate doing it. I like having friends and she is not crazy bad to hang out with on occasion. I just can't be over there every night because she needs help with something or for god sake wants to trap my ass hanging up a mirror. We will see how drunk i get in the future and what happens when around her and what i might say. I mean hey she asked me to hang out at the pool Saturday and drink all day. Eeek.

Smartest thing someone has ever told me

"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache, no matter how difficult carries with it a seed of opportunity for us to nurture which awaits only our steadfast desire to make the change. We have the choice to no longer accept the present state, devoting all of our energy not to frustration and anger, but to fuel the future that we know is possible. The biggest change comes from within."

Best Man Speech

So I actually found my best man speech I have to give at a wedding. This was a rough draft but overall it didn't change short and sweet. I feel like I left out somethings. I actually ad-libed a lot as well because I got a little nervous. I think at one point I asked for an adjective from the guests to put in my speech because I want to get them more involved and thought mad libs would be a fun game to play with the speech. However I continued and here is roughly what I said:

[Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Jeremy and today I’ve had the privilege of being Johnny’s best man. I’m known to be many things, but a public speaker isn’t one of them, so luckily for all you I’m going to keep this short and sweet.

Johnny didn't have an easy decision in choosing his best man. First, he called his most charming friend, and he said no. Second, he called his most trusted and smartest friend, and he said no as well. Then, he asked his most good looking friend, and he also said no. Then he called me, and I said Johnny, You caught my bluff, I can't say no to you four times. So here I am.

As many of you here tonight know, I have known Johnny since we were in kindergarten in Mrs. Jarozs' class. I remember I was new and was looking for a seat and this boy came up to me and was like "HEY I'M JOHNNY YOU CAN SIT HERE." That pretty much sums up Johnny. Always open and always kind, even to the new kids in class who sport mullets.

From that 1st day in Kindergarten I've gotten to know Johnny quite well over the years, and Sara I will say this – you have a husband who is devoted to you and will never let you down. I’ve seen him at his worst, and I've seen him at his best.. but through the years I have never seen him as happy as he is as when he’s with you.

And Sara what more can Johnny ask for. You two are the perfect compliments. You are so sincere, so kind, and now that you both live in South Carolina you both have some pretty wicked base tans.

So Johnny, Sara, and friends, as a man who will drink to just about anything, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to drink to something worthwhile. Please join me in a toast: Johnny & Sara, I know the two of you are going to have a long and happy life together. I speak for everyone here when I say I wish you both the very best. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old fashioned enough to last forever. To Johnny and Sara.]

Jesus gave me water

So your typical Saturday came around and I decided to work out. So i went to a 10:30 spin class and did that magical workout on a bike. After Erin and I finished up spin. We decided to get food, we barely discussed maybe getting bottomless mimosa's. She said give Katie a call and see if she wants to meet up with us and get food. So I called Katie and I think her exact words were "Yeah, I am starving. Where you thinking mimosa's? Fucking read our mind. Place was nice and had a live band that day which I thoroughly enjoyed. Little violin, cello, and acoustic guitar can't go wrong to me. Now I am not sure how many of the little decanters of mimosa's we had but it was a lot. I heard at least 3 corks pop from the champagne. One of which flying and almost hitting some people at the table (hilarious). Now fast forward I don't know 5 hours. None of us could drive and it was pretty nice out, so we decided to take a little stroll back to our respected humble abodes. How far we walked is a blur to me, but i think we figured something like over 3 miles. Here is a list of things we did on this walk of no fucking shame at all.

• At the beginning of the walk it was hot thankfully a lady left out some jesus water for us to partake in. I could taste the jesus. (see included pic)

• We found three chairs off the side of the road across from the police station. You would think this would detour us from doing anything crazy. Nope, we tip each other over in the chairs. I put mulch on Erin to make her one with nature. Katie contemplated stealing a birdhouse she saw. (Keep in mind police station in view across the street) Once we picked ourselves up we began to travel again.

• As we were walking we found an open area of grass. Normally when walking home after drinking that much you would think let's just get home and pass out. Nope one person did a kart wheel then the other would try. Then i did some sort of flop thing and landed on my side. This somehow turned into each of us attempting to do a handstand. I think all of us failed and we all have to bruises to prove it.

• When then passed a UDF. At this point the magic Jesus water had worn off so we were quenched and decided stop for malts, cherry cordial sundae, and an issue of cosmo happily purchased by Erin. She found out 6 new ways to get him to buy you shit I think.
  

• After the UDF we proceed to walk about 7 steps and hopped into Dutch's to do wha telse?? Drink some beer. So we each had a beer, Erin had a glass of wine, and we chased it with our delicious UDF drinks. How we have not thrown up at this point is amazing. I think that was broken soon after. The bartender wanted the girls the try his goetta balls. He sort of skipped me. I think he was in love because they were drunk, eating ice cream, and reading cosmo. Every man's dream.
  

• We actually all proceeded to walk home after that and split up. I went down my street to my place which felt like it took at least 24 hours to get to because i was drunk and had no one to talk to. Katie and Erin apparently tried to hop in a apartment complex pool but there was people there. I would have still cannonballed in then got out and gentlemanly nod slowly walking away in the sunset. But hey that is just me :)
  

I think we learned a lot that day. I know I learned I want to at least do this every two months now :)